to catch a cough

i am so sick … is a wonder. only someone of my durable construction could survive this degree of coughing. i’m sure if there were geese nearby, they would rise in fright at the sound.

and not a dry cough, no. after 3 days of coughing AND sneezing, am back to just coughing. should take cough medicine, but failed to pick some up. though pretty sure it doesn’t work on whatever THIS is. all that new-fangled fight-mucus stuff? nothing, might as well be chewing tic tacs.

so i’m somehow managing to still do dishes and clean the fish tank. if can get laundry done to day, that will be the miracle of miracles. necessity is the mother of more necessity. (how it works when a woman’s work is never done).

wanted to do a ‘think’ piece last night on the subject of playing the victim. seems a convenient role i fall in and out of at will. at any given time, my life carries various degrees of victim-comfort. that excuse of all excuses … where the blame rests so completely on others that you yourself are almost nowhere in the picture.

now, after the degree of therapy i’ve been subjected-to in my life (see the victim pattern?) ……. it’s a wonder that i don’t blame more for the travesty that is ME> mitochondrial energy. the development of matter into action — or what matters should have a beat and rhythm you can move-to.

silliness aside, it really is amazing how full and deeply we depend on the victim-complex. every strong political rally-point is based on SHARING a victim viewpoint or common persecutor. “these aliens are taking your jobs” “you will pay more taxes” “you are an awful American who creates war and kills babies” ……… so the perception is we are hated, penniless, and without opportunity — all at no fault of the main character in this play: yourself.

driving any populace deeper into victim perceptions is a well-played psychological strategy. would be a fool to say that it’s not. for one thing, the greater points of awareness upon the part of the tool, creates an elevated sense of ego – in balance to the ever-increasing list of others to blame. keep in mind, i am describing this from the inside. because if anybody ever used victim-perception to make life a little smoother– IT WAS ME!

the thing about the brief moments that one recognized the fallacy of a constant projection of oneself as victim …. is that it frees possibility and movement. you pull in all those tentacles of established perceptual construct, and all of a sudden you are mobile! each decision, each action need only fit necessity to itself, not so much as groove with every consistently persecuted theme.

in so many ways, the status of victim-building is what draws one friend to another. similarities of perceptions, in off-putting blame. and if we off-put THAT blame, could consider how child-hood prepares us for dodging the blame-bullet. there is something about not wanting to get in trouble. about “whatever you do, don’t get the big person angry.”

then those degrees of engendered fear create the depth to the stepping stones of the pyramid you later build, for how deeply one should be the victim. or maybe it’s more like the steps into the hole that become home for every rooted degree of persecution.

mostly, it becomes this sort of training-weight that you can drop. decide that for now, you are not a victim; that you are in charge of your own fate and what falls to you today is something you made and did yourself. depending on the nature of inner justice, that could lighten your burden or make it heavier. guilt is a very strange thing.

(and this is where “let go and let God” comes in — dropping the determination viewpoint for maintaining the assignment of victim-perceptual grounding points.)

i think so many of us carry measures of guilt for not being good enough. the whole working to please that parental influence. it’s why we all cringe, when presented with the ten year old who is finishing up his senior year in college. where is the childhood? at least we had a childhood.

the balance of freedom and rebellion to the ever-present call of a role, a position, a part you are supposed to play. only to fulfill the bigger dreams of bigger men? probably. very often we don’t do what is best for our own inner world and own inner peace. life becomes a series of tests … a matter of always preparing for the worst and always looking outward.

always looking for those places to tie the blame, so that the inside can mold and shape its type of victim. sad thing is, those shapes might be familiar and comforting to others. they know where you are coming-from. the similarity is testament to the ‘rightness’ of ones own oddly-growing store of righteous indignation.

so in conclusion, i don’t really think it is possible to stop seeing oneself as a victim. you can describe the trap all you want, won’t make you less stuck-in-it. but if just for a few seconds, can envision life without running under the weight of assigned blame ……………. it’s a nice alteration.

to remember that the individual has so much potential for self-instruction. you have to tailor life to fit you. if you nip and tuck yourself to fit into a life — 9 times out of 10 it’s going to be one that revolves on always being the victim.

“why me?” yep. the moping head. the kicking of a can. move every happiness down the road a bit. make sure persecution is in plain view, so others know of your handicap.

have you ever worked with a handicap in bowling? it’s an odd feeling … like the potential for improvement is reduced. never felt like my score was elevated. more like i was out of the game altogether.



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