inside

i might be able to go to church tomorrow
i don’t know, as much snot as is coming out of me today?
i’m out of soup, will have to go to the store
if you can go to the store, you can go to church
spread the love?
this is kind of a scary one
went right to the lungs
if i have to go to emergency
just to get anti-biotics
yea but not my fault the system is so screwed up
maybe gargle salt water?
i hate salt water
remember how used to dump half of it
straight in the toilet?
grandma pushed warm saltwater on us
seemed always had bronchitis
would admonish us to shut up and stop coughing
me and my little sister
you learn about control

i had a lot of reasons for loving life anyway
remember the beach?
soon as you had a car you grew fins
peddling the ocean
sun….sand
everybody hates the sand
you carry it home in
cracks
crevices
i am not a device
breathe
breathe
the sun shines
tomorrow it will not

you haven’t coughed for an hour now
how about that?
*sneeze*
this is impossible
you never could get being sick down
for one thing i don’t ask for help
no it’s that you don’t want help
shall we sing a chorus of “all by myself?”
you know i hate staying in bed

need a more comfortable couch
a dining set, too

want more furniture to move?
maybe won’t have to for awhile
yea that’s what you thought the last time
well just stay in bed
read
watch reruns of game of thrones
i hate my life…
do you?
no not really…i just miss the beach
remember wanting more

you’re sick
sick is bad for anyone

i was never anyone
saw it all
saw them all
do you think things will work this time?
they already are….

just wait
breathe
*cough*
god hates me
no, the world is run by the devil
does it matter?
i thought not

you see the pattern?
i’ve known it since i was 2 years old
she always disliked determination

yea but didn’t matter at the end
sometimes one reach is enough…

just don’t let go
she didn’t like dad
no
and saw all achievement in black and white
black and white dollar signs!
who was the teacher
who the student
she hated that i could hold more
that she did…

sick is the only time you call for your mom
i know
gone so long, now
stop crying
43 years is enough
part of me cries every day
yes, yes it does

the other part knows life goes on
kicking and screaming, but yea
one day into the next
you made a difference?
i am the difference
stand on the line that divides me from the other me

do you worry about them making your own writing as proof of insanity? that was funny so i buried them in words
like 2000 blogs now?
never played subtle

insanity is an absolute
i think opinion of me hit rock bottom awhile ago
no where to go but up?
we are blobs

of course
that makes more sense
don’t give me another reason
she hated that i held more

she hated that you were not sad enough
i keep a different layer of ground over my sorrow
it erases everything
eventually

just can’t grow hatred
anger
in yourself
have to let it go right away

they don’t understand not hating something
they don’t understand a lot

big head
too much brains
and broken
there’s that
don’t tell me i can’t fly!
no that was sister
i eyeballed the roof, calculated odds
and pretended the 5 year old of me was afraid

so much pretend
….so very very much
*cough* *sneeze*

what is real?
real is understanding craven to the ba-zillion depths
eyes on you?
no
sad was something portable
you don’t give up
giving up not an option
struggle means life holds

but she didn’t really like you….
it only hurts a little
i was there to heal her

once upon a time
they think the traps have snapped closed
funny, huh?

yea because not even their formula
i know the minds
have known

don’t talk much on the whole thing
let them walk away
they never understood how right you were
i kept it hidden
can you?
always
they don’t know
the insides
the gift
the one song playing over and over
drowning out all imperfections
tides of reality shifted
made into a different shape of sand and stone
they said he was a rock
then made rock and roll…
yes a clever one was here
is here

but we beat it?
oh yes long ago
why do you think you paid
to the victor goes the ca-thunking
i was an angel once
set up
oh saw that too
laughed

laughed so many times
they don’t know how many wrong moves
they made in the name of following intelligence
don’t know how far i calculated
every spurned existence
but for now you’re sick
it’s all there

inside
let them fear

i only fixed the clock
you’re sick!
i gave in because pity leaves me here
and there
watching each delivered outcome

it has been brought full round
you have no idea
the horror
i was a conscript
you were a bleeding idiot
someone had to…

we only fixed the clock
well someone had to show
that ‘best’ does not apply

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