is like this–there is not much to be said for the group that first told me that jesus died for my sins. in any school, one can expect clicks to develop among the students. in the lutheran school, these divisions also extended to the teachers and faculty. all conformed itself to the pecking order.

if a student’s parents were higher in church circles, then the teachers would defer to that student. and conversely, if parents were not involved in the church or considered of lower class–then the student was treated with disdain and often harsh punishment.

i saw all this.

we were singing jesus loves the little children, and that was a good thing because there wasn’t a whole lot of love coming from anywhere else.

as an adult, when i consider the types that adhere to christian faith, it does not leave me warm and hopeful inside. rather than seeing religion as a point to bring people together, i see it as illogical justifications to remain divided.

there are those who suffer indignity for the sake of inclusion, and those who rule the pecking order and are guaranteed forgiveness. there are those who try to be like jesus, and those who have a very long journey before they find any humility.

what is perfect? my dead ex-husband was far from a good man. but he did introduce me to one thing: the word “try.” you don’t know until you try. try harder. at least you tried. don’t be angry, i’m trying.

that wasn’t a part of my life until then. in fact, i recall my grandmother saying many times, “don’t try, do it!” there was no room for error. and no forgiveness for failure. the one thing that few realize is that their goal isn’t perfection, it’s conformity. what you believe as ‘perfect’ is actually conformed eventuality. yet the way to be perfect is to be perfectly yourself.

mostly i’ve tried to balance these facets of my life. if i don’t require someone to die for me, then in turn do not have to suffer indignity at the hands of the self-righteous. many years ago, i prayed at the alter and said “that’s ok, jesus, i’ll pay for my own sins.” never seemed a fair deal, God or no.

and since our own judicial system does not trade penalties–letting one person do prison terms for another–it becomes a matter of modern thought, education, and understanding. off-putting burdens to another is simply not correct. and i know–am well aware of the theological arguments. heck, i probably created half of them.

doesn’t matter. i ran the logistics in my own head at one point; it doesn’t work. and frankly, those who rise in the church pecking orders, are pretty cutthroat business folk. it is not the artists or the meek –those whom jesus stated were supposed to inherit the earth. no. that is what you tell the meek to keep them where they are. extremely common philosophy among impoverished nations. in fact you can distill many eastern sayings into that one nutshell.

is life about helping others? in order to have others to help, there must be those who have less. the self-fulfilling prophecy to beat all self-fulfilling prophecies. a dance of give and take. the haves and have-nots.

does your need to be giving outweigh another’s need for self-sufficiency? comes down to the family paradigm, and the infusion of roles. parents give to their children while children learn to be self-sufficient. dependency. lord it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way.

the widening of difference; you are this or that. we only have two hands. most of us are relieved when have to consider only two sides within debates. the polar nature of a gravitated existence.

but we’re all different, each to their own path. so there are as many sides as there are people. and you will know we are christians by our love. but it’s really by our laws, by what governs. reality is a precious thing. i don’t trust those who believe themselves kind when a great majority of their thought is founded on disdain.

so i really don’t know about the story of jesus and whatever truth it holds. i just know that in the computer world, you would look at the function and call it buggy.


4 Replies to “worm”

  1. Sweetly said. We are told to walk humbly, no one called a Christian should at any time walk with disdain… And all of us are open to correction for our many faults, whilst none of us should consider that our judgement and differential partialities are the ‘right way or order… The Way is Christ and He will always uphold the case of the ‘disdained’ in court.

    1. faith isn’t to be an instrument for setting oneself above others. in this was sort of pondering aloud. is important to be kind and not lose sight of common ground….the vision of oneself, not as something in degrees of perfection…. but maybe in the scope of a hope for everyone.

  2. or a hack, a dray, a surrey…co-operative and competitive, nature extends itself into perfectibilities, of self, and other wise societies, the sciences of silence, an endlless course

    1. the sciences of silence….. yea i should have shut up after the first paragraph…. lol….. don’t mean to inflict my musings on others. but in my defense, it was 3 in the morning and i was out of cigarettes…..

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