hollow

i wish there was some kind of
retreat
the rain drips off the leaves
all settled in gloom
my feet almost shuffle
energy low
head hung to stare at the ground
i look for bootstraps

don’t talk to me
on the past
a person i was
the path i should find
you have any idea?
no

my cat is dead
i still find myself
saving bits of meat
from the plate
only to realize no need is there

i still wish to have a normal life
but nobody seems to know what normal is

IMG_20130710_173118

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13 Replies to “hollow”

  1. The realm of normal is elusive because it’s such a grey area. Some live in a black and white world…I prefer the grey one. Everyone has a story to tell…it’s amazing what you find in the mind of another; things no one would ever know outright. I’m terribly sorry about your cat…I’m a feline lover as well and it’s always so difficult losing a beloved animal.

    1. yea some days i really miss her …. definitely doesn’t feel normal. repetition, habit. so much of who we are is patterns, part of other actions and reactions.

  2. 😦 I’m sorry you miss Jazzers. It gets better in time, but it takes a long time. Normal…you’re right, no one even knows what that word means. Supposedly, the meaning is found in the context of a group…so then the question becomes, what if you’re not part of a ‘group’?

    1. yea–the even funner question is what if you’re allergic to sheep? lol…..

      i think i’m always going to miss jazzers–since i wasn’t here when she died i got no closure. seems to be the story of my life, the no-closure.

      1. Sometimes I’ve had to be real creative on providing some semblance of closure…with the loss of a loved one however, it’s much more difficult. Though this is simplistic…sometimes simple can prove more beneficial than 1st thought; perhaps you could write Jazzers a goodbye note. A student I used to work with in a high school lost his younger brother due to a medical condition…for closure he did a beautiful collage of all the happy memories of his brother. It was wonderful and I felt so lucky that he shared it with me. It seemed to help him quite a bit.

        1. writing and pictures, definitely a way to pull together thoughts and honor those gone. for me at this point i don’t know — so much loss and no place to start, while forgetting seems a disservice. but there is an acceptance under everything else, that I’ve always had. it just hurts to rise above this many times. and the last straw cannot be a cat, though i feel like I’m out of heart.

        2. Multiple loss…grief has no timeline and there’s never a need to forget for I don’t really believe that anyone really does.

          I’ve always felt that grieving is what everyone should allow themselves to go through; however it sounds like you’ve had quite a bit of that and how exhausting.

          I don’t know the circumstance around your grief, however perhaps speaking about it with others who have suffered multiple losses could benefit as well? Nothing worse than feeling alone.

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