on the eve of oops

what do i fear
being wrong
i suppose because when the foot lands with a lot of weight
it needs to be sure of where it’s stepping

shame brings this bright red to the surface
though i doubt it shows much of red
just the feel
the flushed crimson of embarrassment

next to that
you have knowledge others have that you don’t have
fear of being out-scooped

left to dry
by the fact that others found it easier
to gang up against you
than include aspects of thought
of ME

i fear God
in that i fear what people will do in the name of God
no better excuse
hard to go up to God and say

i fear wrapping myself too far in my smaller world
the infinite within macular comforts
lost to the busy thrum
of an inside that doesn’t look out

i fear i am nice
and slotted to be gone-ified
laid waste
run over
my choices SO obtuse

i’m afraid i still care if people listen
even though i’m not sure any are really people

not really alive
not really thinking
not really part of plans and better tomorrows

it is so much easier to just conclude
that all are evil assholes

enough have proven that into the numerous ….
but i fear those conclusions
because it means i would prefer an aloneness
within conceptualized perfection
which means i’m the giant asshole ………..
you can see the problem

so i fear catch 22’s …. finding the circular route
to conclusion
which means not only do you have no answer,
but heap on that spent and wasted time
as well as the futility that humble brings

it doesn’t pay to foster humility
step hard
step long and weighty

be afraid of stepping wrongly

go oops
say you’re sorry
whisper it to the wind if you have-to
don’t beg
don’t lay-waste your tracks

keep stepping
keep landing those feet
be insane within the surety of your gait
flinging forward with nothing but momentum

realities of outcome
there really is no shame in stepping wrongly
the biggest shame would be not to step at all

i fear that none of it matters
or not try
my course has made no difference
to the whole
to our plight

i fear being inconsequential
the unnecessary part of movement
where it would have been wiser to stoke gluttony and selfish

so i fear not being wise
“a fool is born every minute”
but only if you breed complacency

screaming “I AM HERE!” doesn’t do much
but neither does squatting in the dirt digging with a stick

many think of the end
find comfort that all will die
build motivation in the sense of time running-out
losing opportunity

i’m afraid those concepts place too much on every deed
every parchment of land
hard-won and hardly embittered

lights at ends of tunnels
hope in the imagination
of continuance
of believing a soul is something that goes on
even though the SOUL is the one thing
that gets worn out

really fast by stupid
and its cousins (selfish and pompous)

i fear changing to be hard and mean
i know necessity

and still wish i was inconvenient
still wish i remained on that other side of fear
where it couldn’t touch my future

you think i don’t SEE?
all i want is to stop the litany
over and over
day in day out
my brain goes:
“they are stupid
they are SO stupid
they are stupid
they are SO stupid”

and i long for a world where better than me is part
of the equation
where the majority are MORE competent
not lost in the nooks and crannies of useless

i want a people i can respect
something to shoot and aim for
being like THEM

INTO them ….. into a RIGHTNESS
but all i have is an AWAY from THIS
maybe it’s just that my world is tv
and internet
and i need to be out at a real job
maybe i would see competent then
maybe i would see more in the way of something
to aspire-to

maybe i have already done that
and it doesn’t matter
you just get sort of lost in the shuffle
and forget about growth or direction

does my imagination require superiority?
i fear the only thing superior
is the need to rule fear
to control

to have all within some predictable and comforting outcome;

i fear what i am
to fall into need

i fear what i may become
to step
to step hard and long and deep …. to
create greater needs

for all

but i fear standing-still more
i fear freezing
i fear letting numb become brilliant

you step LONG
you step HARD and DEEP
make a mistake
turn red, go oops ………….

step again. that’s all i know
that’s all I’ve ever needed to understand
you conquer fear one mistake at a time
swim in the soup of embarrassment
and flip everyone the bird

it is better to be known


10 Replies to “on the eve of oops”

    1. at the risk of bad-ego-karma, you know me. imagine what it would be like sometimes …… a world like that. how i could be happy and not so lost. i am not a leader.

      1. Well Put, and Understood. I’m Feeling More Aware of that Karma Thing(Or Pick The Equivalent Of) as I get Older-Longing Rather To Sow Real Positivity When Able and Possible, and Perhaps just having the Common Sense to Shut My Mouth if Other….lol.

        1. well and that’s the thing, isn’t it? to make change, you have to be a mean nasty son of a gun, slam the point home. so ‘say something nice or don’t say nothing at all’ is the calling card of those who ARE making the changes and don’t want anyone of any real heart interfering. it’s the leadership that constructs social modes and understandings to prevent any change or graduation INTO that leadership. it’s interesting, is all. though to be happy and content by pretending to be content is one way to cook the dumplings …. 🙂 i AM going to work at being more brief.

  1. I love your two cents worth (signature stamp that is!). I would expect that most of us deal with this type of fear and spend a lifetime attempting to rationalize what is the obvious and most irrational of human behavior. Stupid is rather subjective and arguable, especially by the stupid themselves. It’s all relative I guess…or is it??!! Hugs.

    1. no you can define intelligence. and has nothing to do with how many answers can memorize for an IQ test. take the golden rule: anybody who DOES do something to someone else that they object to themselves, is stupid. because on a collective basis, IF a creature has the intelligence to see it is one of MANY — the smart thing to do is aim for collective well-being.

      btw, you can say people LOOK at stupid subjectively, but you can’t say stupid IS subjective. that is cementing an observational ACTION upon an object and telling people they CANNOT approach in an OBJECTIVE manner. which is NOT true.

      is stupid “relative.” no — it is an absolute when you have those who are too stupid to live.

      we shuffle all into jails and pretend we aren’t collectively BAD or collectively doing something WRONG.

  2. oh …. and that’s a stamp own myself, from an old letter. scanned and then added my signature. don’t know if many use the “give you my two cents worth” anymore —– but I am my grandmother’s daughter 🙂

  3. “keep stepping
    keep landing those feet
    be insane within the surety of your gait
    flinging forward with nothing but momentum” <—this was an absolutely inspiring/inspired stanza! 🙂

    I think it partially depends on what you look for as to what you'll find. If you expect stupidity, you'll find it. It's rampant (as we both know). But…what if you look for intelligence? Will you find it, too, or will you be disappointed? Both, probably. The answer? No expectations = no disappointment. We can't change other people. Ever. BUT we CAN change how we react to them. That being said, there are not enough people who look at themselves as part of the collective…Ego reigns in this world, unfortunately. All you can do is do the best you can with what you have. Fear of shame is pointless, because we all have those embarrassing moments and anyone who says they haven't is a liar. What's the absolute worst that could happen? Well, okay, don't answer that…know you've been through some rough shit…but I also know you came out the other side of it…and you're still here. 🙂 So keep stepping, Eileen! I'm happy to know that you WILL keep stepping, even in the face of fear. "Courage of the heart is very rare…"

    1. Dang you think too much of me. If my sister ever started talking that nice, i knew it was time to be on guard! Ha!

      Seriously at this point i’m like let them think i’m nuts when i’m right …it’s better than trying to pretend ….

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