I don’t want this!
did I ask to be reminded children starve?
while thousands, hundreds of thousands
burst in bright surroundings
ooooohs and ahhhhhs! I didn’t ask for this …
to see the pain overshadowing any glee – the thundering masters
how to celebrate being.
I sit crouched in my apartment – it reeks of crystal meth-lab
whatever poured into the pipes comes up
and you choke
and the beginning of every month ——- people have to get high!
babies have to get fed.
and I have to sit within my superiority
the walls never good enough to silence the pain
not at all.
shall I turn a pretty phrase?
it bores and humbles me. no rights to words
there is only helpless and not helpless
right now I scorn both
and become neither
face bounding from shadow to complacency ……. do you hear the works?
the pyrotechnic waste.
I cringe for the cost
the cost to our humanity for what is celebration?
I gently told myself that for the cost, they could return dental care
for the poor.
and I wept for myself – those damn tears of pity
I didn’t ask for this!
once I saw only the delight
in a show
in the pretty sparkles of sky gone mad
and now ……. now I wonder captivates ALL in the no-seezone
what hold you looking up and out
but not in.
I rise from the bed to write ….
I did not ask for this!
to tell you what I see —- to mourn the waste —
the flagrant callous stand for all who bleed poverty and feast on dreams.
my heart a burden, a broach of understanding. the last thing I will say good-night to
when I crawl back into bed.
after the fireworks have stopped exploding and I can pretend
pretend once again that we are in a land that cares …….
that we are a people, free.
I didn’t ask for this! ……. I didn’t ask for this
what DID I ask-for?
nothing. the dreams of silence and the blessings of peace.
the hope you only find when security is something you can taste
in the fires at your back.
in the smiles at your side. I asked to stop asking
because what is need? perceiving others as LESS …….. oh yes!
so maybe we need equality through articulation
through embattled pride
through the darkness glinting between flowered waste:
I sigh as my mind tells me I can never explain; it’s not so much
that I sorrow for it-all ……. but that it never sorrowed for me
I get perceived as strong and then hated! hated I swear it causes grief
and I can act dumber than donuts – commiseration suddenly there
but act smart act strong and you are looking at it all from the outside;
problem is this idiot called me IS dumb
I’ve just been ACTING smart. figured if a woman could play dumb she could play smart
thought I’d see where it goes
and I imagined once
that you all were planning on taking me and freezing me, growing my body as huge
as a skyscraper, covering me in copper and standing me at the port of your city:
some great tiding of benevolent protection. some testament to strength
to stand for so long
the lady stands so long and I thought Christ —- I’m next—my thick legs and thighs should do the job
just some fattened cow
waiting for the axe ……. oh yes, pondered all those things
it happens, when you are only seen as something to hate
to despise for its strength
or perhaps dismissed in perplexity
I ramble ….. such a task.
the last rumblings of the fireworks, now
where the finale will fire-off all that are left
in one last orgasmic proclamation of scorn for the needy
the homeless that cry into their cement over the dawn’s early light;
and my OWN guilt
as I go back into bed and crawl between soft covers.
because I DIDN”T ASK FOR THIS
I asked for darkness
and redemptive cares that masquerade as tears:
there is only helpless and not helpless.