the bombs bursting in air

I don’t want this!

did I ask to be reminded children starve?

while thousands, hundreds of thousands

burst in bright surroundings

ooooohs and ahhhhhs!  I didn’t ask for this …

to see the pain overshadowing any glee – the thundering masters

how to celebrate being.

 

I sit crouched in my apartment – it reeks of crystal meth-lab

probably downstairs

whatever poured into the pipes comes up

and you choke

every holiday

every weekend

and the beginning of every month ——- people have to get high!

 

babies have to get fed.

and I have to sit within my superiority

my distance

 

the walls never good enough to silence the pain

no ….

not at all.

 

shall I turn a pretty phrase?

it bores and humbles me.  no rights to words

there is only helpless and not helpless

 

right now I scorn both

and become neither

face bounding from shadow to complacency ……. do you hear the works?

the pyrotechnic waste.

I cringe for the cost

the cost to our humanity for what is celebration?

I gently told myself that for the cost, they could return dental care

for the poor.

and I wept for myself – those damn tears of pity

 

I didn’t ask for this!

once I saw only the delight

in a show

in the pretty sparkles of sky gone mad

and now ……. now I wonder captivates ALL in the no-seezone

what hold you looking up and out

 

but not in.

I rise from the bed to write ….

I did not ask for this!

to tell you what I  see —-  to mourn the waste —

the flagrant callous stand for all who bleed poverty and feast on dreams.

my heart a burden, a broach of understanding.  the last thing I will say good-night to

when I crawl back into bed.

 

after the fireworks have stopped exploding and I can pretend

pretend once again that we are in a land that cares …….

that we are a people, free.

 

I didn’t ask for this!  ……. I didn’t ask for this

 

what DID I ask-for?

nothing.  the dreams of silence and the blessings of peace.

the hope you only find when security is something you can taste

in the fires at your back.

in the smiles at your side.  I asked to stop asking

 

because what is need?  perceiving others as LESS …….. oh yes!

so maybe we need equality through articulation

through embattled pride

through the darkness glinting between flowered waste:

 

I sigh as my mind tells me I can never explain;  it’s not so much

that I sorrow for it-all ……. but that it never sorrowed for me

I get perceived as strong and then hated!  hated I swear it causes grief

and I can act dumber than donuts – commiseration suddenly there

but act smart act strong and you are looking at it all from the outside;

 

problem is this idiot called me IS dumb

I’ve just been ACTING smart.  figured if a woman could play dumb she could play smart

thought I’d see where it goes

 

and I imagined once

that you all were planning on taking me and freezing me, growing my body as huge

as a skyscraper, covering me in copper and standing me at the port of your city:

some great tiding of benevolent protection.  some testament to strength

to stand for so long

the lady stands so long and I thought Christ —- I’m next—my thick legs and thighs should do the job

just some fattened cow

waiting for the axe ……. oh yes, pondered all those things

it happens, when you are only seen as something to hate

to despise for its strength

or perhaps dismissed in perplexity

 

I ramble  ….. such a task.

the last rumblings of the fireworks, now

where the finale will fire-off all that are left

in one last orgasmic proclamation of scorn for the needy

the poor

the homeless that cry into their cement over the dawn’s early light;

 

and my OWN guilt

as I go back into bed and crawl between soft covers.

 

never earned

no

not me

 

because I DIDN”T ASK FOR THIS

I asked for darkness

and redemptive cares that masquerade as tears:

 

there is only helpless and not helpless.

 

angelWeeps copy

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