next time dig a deeper hole

How do you know what love is
When every bit
While growing up
Or deciding to grow up

Every damn bit was a reality of disdain
Iced by complaint

And what love is never happened
Oh no
And my heart could scream
Rage at the skies the darkness the empty horizons

My throat sits at the back of my nose
And all I can feel is the taste of that bitter reality

That I am disliked
And have been forever and ever
Since the beginning
Since my eyes opened on this world
And said hi to the day
The storms
The drops of rain on smooth dandelions

Why I left and went off
To be alone
Because by god
Why should one stay where not wanted
Why should one make a burden
Out of mere presence

And it’s the embarrassment that hits my head like a million stars
The fact that I was too trusting and holding and caring
And oh god
The spell could rupture my tongue

Like that day
Before Christmas when I got all the girls
I thought my friends

Presents

Picked out and pretty
So pretty I remember one to the exact

View

And nobody got me anything
Not a one
They gave gifts to each other
And left me out

I think I was ten
And I don’t remember if I cried
But I cry now

I cry now

Because never wanted to see
Left it swallowed and alone in the pit
Of time
Of brandished existence

Betrayal
Betrayal
Betrayal

The reality of simply being hated
Not liked
Not likable
All these ones I thought
Oh…..I thought on it

And remember when he was taking my SON
My SON!!!!
And they stood by
Denying me everything I ever fought for
Everything

That’s why I go insane sometimes
Because I bury that truth

I bury it and lie to myself
Cover it in the dirt of shattered tears
Scooped and paved
To make way for something that doesn’t leave my heart burning
Breaking
Rupturing to its beat

You stood by and watched my world torn apart
Applauding your mastery

There are no words to explain how much I realized
And how it’s ok
I get it

You hated me before I gave rise to even understand

When mi-me had her babies
Out in the cold
The rain

One of them died….so I took it
And buried the still dog

But then mi-me took the only one that looked like it
And buried it
The live pup

So I rescued it and washed it off
Sand and dirt running into the sink
And I tried to give the pup back to her

But she just scooped dirt over it again

And I think I’m like that pup
People just hate me for no reason
Or one I can’t see
Just don’t like me to the point of
WANTING
ACHING
NEEDING
To see me destroyed

I don’t know why
I don’t know why (but it’s true, I swear on my iPod)

Danger sits on my throat
Like the lumps of cancer
The world of ambiance

It takes me backwards and forwards
And here I look at my face
My stretched lips
Keeping the heart from screaming into the night

You can’t take not-caring back
You just can’t

The reality is set in stone
A foundation I didn’t ask for
You all stood by

Stood by

They took my son
And you let them

There is no forgiveness….not now
Not ever

Some day I will find a reason to not bury these tears
You created
Not your fault after all
I’m just the dog that got buried

the pup with the stink of death
The stink

You treated me the only way you could
It always hurt
And you think you treat me that way because I used drugs

But I used drugs because you treated me that way

And I BEAT crystal meth
I BEAT pot
I BEAT alcohol
I BEAT even cigarettes

And you can’t say the same
I don’t want your acknowledgment for my strength
You can’t give back
The time you levied hate

I don’t cry because I feel sorry for me
I cry because I am devastated
The love wasted
The backing and caring and dear god!
The time spent caring

What I gave hurts now
It swirls in my stomach
Like when I gave those gifts to those girls
I wonder why god placed me in such a world
And I look out

And stand alone
In One troubled shadow ………

Bowing strength

I look for forever
And forever looks back

You see
I timed it just right
And the only thing I feel for you now is pity
Loads and loads
Of pity…..dropped on your sheltered islands

You had love and didn’t even see it
Didn’t recognize it
Because for you

Love is disdain
Iced by complaint
Love is that lost look you get in your eyes
When you see a mirror
When I rise up and tell you

It doesn’t matter
Because I lived anyway

i held the dark and the dark never says good-bye

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