Self the Future Holds

I am the precursor
Did I ever tell you
That before the Disney Frozen phase
And the pop hit “Let it Go”
I painted “Let it Go” on a painting
And before I left California in 2007
I set that painting in my living room
With the pics of my 2 kids
And I wept and wept and wept
And I sang and sang … telling
Myself that I needed to let go
To let it go ….

Therefore I ignored the Frozen movie when it came out
and the song that was being sung
across the nation in the backs
of mini-vans by children ….

I ignored it
Because who needs fate mocking you? that severely?
Who needs such proof?

not me …………
I love the random
The beauty of unexpected ventures
I love looking at the sky
And never knowing what I’ll see …

And I am the precursor

To see and measure and bleed before
To quicken or slow
To raise or fall

To sooth and say nothing
There is no way for my being to instruct
No path that perfects … insolence

But if I’m smiling
You know the mine is fine
Air is clear

If I’m flapping and struggling
You know danger is upon
And if I lose all self-regard because of fear
The complete insanity of lost minds

Then ends dance so close that
Any salvation is matter of luck alone

Couldn’t say why
I can disengage, now … remove
from that crank or foresight and find
refuge in the now

ok, I always could
just didn’t always let on
show the real of the variegated realities

I don’t worry about much

tomorrow I won’t worry again
but maybe you should
maybe should

like 3 weeks in
to get to watch the always missed
a treat
And to let it go
truly let it go means nothing … nichts

except never forget
the poet finds other
the other meant
“to let” is slice and bleed
oozed and spent

how does your physician heal?
mine is slow and very slow

and I cried true tears only for my vision
only for ME, they remain

and refrain


Every Now and Then

Every now and then I wonder
Every now and then I see
Every now and then I look away
When you look right at me…

It’s a shame we aren’t forgiven
For all the things we’ve never done
All the hopes we’ve never shared
All the games we’ve never won

Every now and then I wonder
Every now and then I see
A light ahead
A darkness
A journey just for me

There’s no sin for being worthless
For there’s nothing left to prove
There’s no heart that can’t be broken
There’s no love that’s always true

Though I try to see the dawn
Up there ahead it’s kind of faint
There will be an answer soon
Where soon forever paints … the sky a deeper blue
A striking red! A hit
Of colors, flaming
through the next day … After you went away
Now gone

I only sing my song to fly
I only worship open skies
Then ask myself …

Every now and then I wonder
Every now and then I see
Has it mattered … does it matter
What is best for me?
Has it mattered
Does it matter?
What is best for me …

Every now and then
I’m jealous
Of the River that meets the Sea

Strong is my Consternation

The interesting thing about insults is they are tells.

1. That the individual felt the need to belittle someone else. (ego needs lift)

2. Insults used against others are most often the kind that would hurt themselves the most. (Pinpoints vulnerabilities)

The thing to understand, is an insult rarely fits the person receiving it. Even exaggerations have a direction, exposing their source.

Insults are often used as a junction of commiseration … mutual feelings among fellows. It is important to recognize that use, as it negates the tell regarding lift to the ego. Instead, that tell points to loneliness or a shaky reality.

Therefore, those gop that thrilled to call others weak (snowflakes) — are themselves extremely afraid of being perceived as weak. A resurgence of “real men don’t cry.” Or more importantly, the need for imperviousness within a society of large competitive factors.

And so, the factors and realities of competition, and how those are molded and melded into the functions of a society … in relation to levels of violence versus levels of peace.

I would be perfectly fine with high levels of peace. However, many are not, and find that higher levels of discord are more entertaining. Those more tuned to outward perspectives, need more outward entertainment.

And one way to disturb the peace, is to level insults … directly or behind backs. To choose enemies. If only we were as diligent in “choosing” friends! If only. The insults that hurt me the most, are those tied to factors not under my control.

Or even “constructive criticism” after i have tried my very best, seems particularly cruel. The largest tell in those who enjoy insulting others, is the joy itself. The happiness achieved in lessoning the joy of others. Which that, then, is a tell for sadism.

The distinction of sadism is in what it canNOT achieve. Which is an inner joy from the happiness of others. The power is a thrill or drug, the joy felt by the unhappiness of others. And power has its antithesis, which is humility.

The humble rarely insult others. Blessed are the meek… I believe that kindness is stronger than insults. That living well does not need to mean better or worse. That being a person who understands others can make you smile and make you cry. But it doesn’t make you weak.

Possible adverse effects of an overly-imaginative youth

So my hypothesis goes ……..

What IF the facet of imagined emotive response — REPLACES the active sector of REAL emotive response. In that, if a child FIRST learns about anger through imagination — the feeling is imagined BEFORE it is actually felt — then DOES that imagined responsive process supplant any actual response that might have occurred.

So am looking at this as a possible root for illogical and contrary responsive processes — as opposed to the root being only group-think or simply following a process of expectations.

And in tandem with this hypothesis, then — would be the social manipulation involved with gravitating toward experiencing emotive states that align more truly — MORE. For example, if the emotive response of love as IMAGINED, is far off the track from what an actual and untainted response would be — and the emotive response of hate as imagined, is CLOSER or more in line with what an actual and untainted response would be …………. then ………. conceivably there would be a gravitating or inclination to experience HATE more than LOVE, because it would conceivably “feel better” to be more in alignment with reality.

OR …. if hate or anger is EXPERIENCED …. BEFORE it is imagined. Such as a spank on the bottom of a baby right after it is born. THEN that emotive response is hardwired with reality — versus emotive responses like romantic love, that are often imagined first.

My purpose in looking at this, is to enhance the perspective of social engineering for the determination of inadequacies that lead to facets of social chaos and social vulnerabilities that lead to instigation of targeted propaganda. In other words — to stop the chains that are getting yanked.

With greater communications and interactions, those yankings are happening at faster and faster rates ……… and we need to think LIKE THE ORIGINAL builders of our social systems, in order to repair them.

Sometimes it takes a house falling on you

I’m pretty sure it was my hips all along. Of course, I’m racking my head for other variables that underwent any changes.

I stopped smoking this month — so there is that. I used a different, super cheap brand of sugar that actually clumps like how sugar used to be back in “the day.” But trying to investigate whether sugar manufacturers add a coating of some kind now to prevent clumping — has proved impossible.

Since I’m on the last bag of the old-fashioned sugar, the difference of returning to the current sugar should either confirm or eliminate that variable as a causal agent.

With the smoking, there is some data regarding how tobacco smoking effects bone structure and regeneration. But the data is so extremely slanted AGAINST tobacco, the data is rendered useless. Left with no choice but to place in “there may or may not be an effect” category. I can tell spin when I see it … one of my oddball talents.

So I don’t have much to go on, other than some new exercises I developed myself to reseat my leg bones into the hip better. And the consequences, which is that almost ALL of my backpain is gone. Not only that, I no longer experience pain while standing.

Which I can’t tell you how long it has been …..

over a decade. Maybe two. Where standing for any length of time becomes very painful and I have to shift from leg to leg. Where just going for walks becomes an endurance contest. And how I don’t want to become completely immobile, and so have incorporated walking as part of my way of life. You sort of figure that if it hurts THAT much, then sitting and avoiding using the legs is going to make it worse and worse and more and more painful.

So I have kept going. And I have lived in pain. Lots of pain — always. Maybe a day or two once a month where my mind seemed to rise above and give me a half-way decent day. That was always rare.

And my back is a mess … physically, I have recent MRI’s that show how bad off. Herniated discs, and not just one. Several, in the lower back.

But I’m pretty sure now that all of the issues and problems WITH the back were first caused by slight hip displacements. Or what is called subluxation –in contrast to dislocation.

So it is either that … or the person who has my voodoo doll has died suddenly and is no longer sticking pins in it.

I should note that the improvement happened with the exercises, and the stopping smoking was 2 weeks before that. And the change in type of sugar was a month before that.

So it all lines up more with the new exercises I have developed to adjust my thigh bones into my hip ……….. the hip bone’s connected to the, leg bone. the leg bone’s connected to the, knee bone.

Some times there’s a reason to the various rhymes. Or songs. Everything is connected. Sometimes what is wrong with the back is not IN the back, but the foundation it rests upon.

And I couldn’t tell you how many doctors over the years — how many took xrays and did thousands and thousands of dollars worth of diagnostics with no results or improvement in my physical ability. I had to quit working side jobs, part-time work I would get to earn some extra money. I had to learn to exist solely on my social security. That wasn’t easy, though all in all it has been a good lesson.

The end result is I’ve learned to be frugal. And I’ve sort of counted my blessings, and the days when things hurt a little less– so I could enjoy life a little more without it feeling like an uphill battle.

Now all that …….. dissolved. The headaches … gone. The back hurt … gone. I can walk as much as I need … and I know this is ironic … but what it means is that I can sit as much as I like now. I don’t HAVE to keep moving to keep from having worse issues. I can relax. I can go when I need. I don’t even require HOURS of prep time to get ready and feeling well enough to go anywhere.

And I don’t know what to think of any of it.

Before bed, I bend my knees a bit, and place my hands on my upper thighs, fingers inward. And I put every bit of my weight on my upper legs/femur. It’s a lot of weight. Pushing down like you would to close a suitcase or something — but it’s on your legs.

I also, during the day, put one leg up against the wall — sort of like doing the splits. Put the foot about 3 to 4 feet high on the wall while bracing the other side … and push. All kinds of things pop, then. The knee pops, I’ll sometimes hear a pop in the hip.

The end result of these exercises is that my BODY SIGHS.

Have no other way to explain it. It’s the same sensation as when my arm was broken last summer, and when I finally decide to splint it, my BODY SIGHED. And I fell right asleep.

So anyway ……. that’s what’s going on with me. How are you?

I sure hope others with some back pain read this, and maybe get some good info from it for their own help and relief. With as many people as have back issues when they start getting older, it might be a good thing for society to awake to the fact that ……….. the leg bone connects to the, hip bone … the hip bone connects to the back bone ….. and hear the word of the Lord!

Yea, it makes sense that the foundation needs to be solid, or the walls are going to crumble. Wish I’d thought of it sooner.

It still might all be because of using a different sugar. I doubt it, but I keep things like that in mind. Keep life a little mysterious.

But for the most part ……. for the most part ……. Doc Me believes that in 2003 when it appeared that my back went out, and I had to crawl to the kitchen from the bedroom to make my coffee — it wasn’t my back that was out, even though it was the back that hurt. It was the hip that was out.

And that is why the back hurt most when I walked, but not only when I walked. I could no longer lie on my back in bed — had to lie on my side or stomach. Even though that made my breathing worse. So having the hips not correctly in place caused a sleep apnea as well, reducing nightly oxygen levels. All leading to a sense of malaise that fluctuated according to activity levels and how far out of adjustment the bones into the hip joint were.

In 2013, when I used a back brace to be able to go on walks at all — I ended up with numb toes. They are still numb to this day. I basically forced my back into a position that could function, at least for awhile — with the out-of-place hips. With the bad foundation.

Anyway ……… I’m just trying to explain, and I hope it doesn’t sound completely nuts. I really do. But you can’t imagine what it is like to stand and do dishes ……. just doing dishes and not feel like it is an endurance contest. It’s so weird — and amazing.

But also I am highly puzzled why any of us …. why anybody can go to doctor after doctor after doctor and get dozens of xrays and MRI’s and everything else ………… without a single one, not one —– having a look at the hips and considering what might actually be causing problems.

Though I myself feel kind of stupid for not thinking of it sooner. In my defense, it’s hard to think straight when life is constantly about overriding pain. Constantly about rising above and putting your essence somewhere away from your physical body. Constantly out there … somewhere.

So I’m good.

I don’t know what I’ll do next. Maybe go to Disneyland?