how words are meant to confuse souls

the thing about the reporting on trump, is they will say something like, “president trump spoke once again on the importance of building a wall.” and that sounds almost normal, when in actual words, he said something like, “we’re going to build that wall, it will be tremendous!” so the paraphrasing creates statements into something they are not.

i found it kind of startling, to hear trump supporters talking about how they use an “inner-translator” to tell themselves what he “really” means. ????? they treat him like he is some genius that is hard to understand because it is so amazingly deep. when what he actually is, is a con man. a con man that enjoys the ability to deny, to back track. it comes in handy when he wants to state that he doesn’t remember ever making that deal with you. you just understood him wrong.

I’ve seen this so often in my life. it’s one of those low moves, that you expect from people desperately in over their head. like a boss that needs scapegoats everywhere, and has to make more through kick-backs because he has 3 mortgages on his house.

and trump has professional translators, so another step he can blame. people who have the job of describing what the president “really means.” then he can send a second one out, saying the first one is wrong. this is utter insanity. at some point, wouldn’t it make the most sense to have a president that didn’t talk in riddles?

the degree of excuses, are similar to what you have to arm yourself with when raising an aggressive child — he didn’t really MEAN to bite your girl. he’s REALLY telling her how much he likes her! it’s a format of excuses and double-speak and lord knows. the end product is a distinct distrust for those doing the explanation, while forgetting that the whole problem is the source of that remedial diction — the president himself.

the entire nation gets treated to a building distrust and trepidation, as more and more step up with versions of what the president “really meant.” and when are we going to call “uncle?”

i sometimes wonder if those who love this kind of wishy washy diction were raised in households where nobody means what they say, and never say what they mean. households that depend on “tone” and body language more than actual words. (there’s a whole science to that, some estimations put it at 80% of communication can occur through body language.) that’s why i said to listen to audio only of presidential speeches — pretend it’s 1930 if you have to. i find it fitting.

(though ask myself why bother explaining this? trump is probably not even the one running things. is probably as much a victim of the republican party as the rest of us. )

what it comes down to — is i hugely object when everyone is supposed to guess what trump means, by ignoring what he said. the president is the one who tells us if there is danger. now we are all in a giant story of the boy who cried wolf. we can’t trust what comes out of that mouth, but he is where he is.

–and the troll legions are brainwashed into some kind of trump cult communication. they absorb the ambiguity, and it feels like it’s right inside of them — because it is! interpretation makes you feel closer to the speaker. that’s why it’s used as a rhetorical-critic ploy.

trump requires ‘representatives’ everywhere re-define every word that comes out of his mouth for anything that ranges into official levels. though we can’t decide that, because he seems to be still stuck in a campaign mode – and has a problem of figuring out what a president actually does. we would probably settle for him to keep his mouth shut until he can speak clear and concisely.

not to mention –even written orders are so unclear, they are ‘cleaned up’ with a glossary, or need to be reviewed by the courts before being sent back, like the teacher that has to give a student their homework back–to redo it so there is at least something to grade.

so the courts have to weigh in, because of cryptic orders —-and double-speak that doesn’t belong in a presidential order at all —– and all this costs time, money, trust?… this is what happens when you put an inexperienced man in charge of the hamburger grill, and he burns it all. then you say the customers are wrong for not liking burnt hamburgers.

it’s all so bizarre, it’s freaking me out. i try to remind myself this is just an insecure time. many had them, we have photos of all the frowning people before the world wars, that’s for sure.

then to get a strange dictator wanna be who depends on loyalty for his operation … it’s confusing. the image of someone you have to defend, and explain what he really means, with the image of a person who takes what they want. so why does everyone jump at trying to figure out this very odd dictator-poet?

trump is the old man who is confused and muses to himself. but he has never practiced on clarifying his speech. and why? spoiled as all get out, surrounded by yes men and never had to be clear and concise to anyone. just throws whatever out there.

leave everything open to interpretation. cover your rear by using double-speak. i employ that all the time. but try to do it without insulting reader’s intelligence. trump has no such boundary. he insults away until most are jaw-dropped.

“nukes are bad?” gee thanks for that info. have been wondering my whole life. now i get to believe that because you said it.

the scary thing is — that is how followers in a cult develop their dependency on a cult leader. they actually end up believing, that his words are the first time they realized that nukes are bad.

it’s partly the collective nature, followers that come together –talk with each other — reaffirm how RIGHT their leader is– nukes are bad. but how we need more of them, so much more! because he said that, too. and what it does, is create a body of hypocrisy following and justifying hypocritical logic, and as followers they end up surrendering their own integrity.

so it’s hard to watch. generally, in civilized society, we try to eliminate those who promote hypocritical stands in their followers.

but it feels like the adults have left the building — like the nation is stranded on this lord of the flies island. and i have the glasses, but i sure as sh*t ain’t going to save this crew. don’t want them playing with fire on top of everything else….

when it comes to dependency on interpretation, we poets know something about that, right? metaphor. you throw it out there and let the listener decide. only — if you say something mean, and don’t specify a target — then they might think it is about them. i’ve seen a million and one games played with that.

but in a leader, to have all that ambiguity is odd. and paraphrasing it to make it sound like normal communication, is not doing anyone any favors. so that’s my point for this whole long bloody write. stop cleaning up his speech for him.

put what trump ACTUALLY says, and THEN write your interpretation of what that might mean. or your interpretation of how that would sound if a real president were saying something similar, after the reality of how trump expressed himself.

otherwise, it makes him sound normal. and he’s not. he’s insane. if you’re only reporting with use of a paraphrased interpretation –that’s not the truth, and you are joining the ranks of trump mouthpieces — with their alternate facts — desperately trying to paint a picture of normalcy, that JUST ISN’T THERE.

listen … only listen to trump speeches. don’t depend on your body language interpretation — the waving of the “ok” symbol. all that BS. just listen.

i guarantee, the spell will break, and you will go — why is this auto mechanic from the Bronx running the country? he sounds like a round, short man with a five o’clock shadow — he sounds like he is trying to BS himself into thinking he knows the job. he knows manipulating people. but is an AGING auto mechanic that depends more and more as he ages, on the loyalty of customers. customers he grabs by the shoulder and tells them they are getting the best deal ever, because you’re my friend! we are buds! and then he charges them twice as much.

it’s not how you run a country. it’s barely how you run an auto shop. at some point it will all end. i just hope it doesn’t end by us all going into the darkness together. you might want to google Jonestown, and remind yourself what happens to cults with members that trust implicitly.

btw ….. i’m going to be pissed for awhile, since this mistake in president is going to cost me a lot, once the inflation hits and i can only afford ramen for dinner.

and those who are eating ramen now, frack me, i don’t know what’s going to happen to them.

so stop making something like trump sound civilized. he’s not. this is not what civilized people do. this is not what civilized people are? i never thought of it like that. i figured that smart societies find the ways for most everyone to have a kind of peace– i picture them interacting and having this way about them. and intelligent conversations, that don’t center on what was done, but what can be done in the future when built with a sense of hope.

it’s a big picture event i look at sometimes, like the best of all worlds. along with roads not covered in trash from people throwing trash out the windows of their cars. and i know it’s hopeless. i really do. i see enough trash to know it’s hopeless, ok? i know the president is the casino mob boss kind — the wrestling event showman. the people love it. the people love throwing trash out the windows of their cars. they love throwing gum on sidewalks. love the lack of dignity, and the comfort that are all going to hell together.

you don’t get that kind of divorce from reality just reversed. lost is lost.
i still dream? i still think about maybe getting there some day. but it’s not on this road. i know that much … fact, integrity, and intelligence are necessary. you don’t build a stone house out of gobs of spit, right? well i just see a whole huge spit-lake.

it makes my little dream of civilization seem even more distant. so i’m pissed about that, too. in fact, that hurts more than the ramen thing. i can live without food.

can’t live without my dreams.


snippets of consternation–when the bar goes boom

boom towns:

and that’s fine to eek a little more out of it. number of workers go down as the coal lowers. people have less babies. it eeks along. but to eek more out of it by removing protections to water?

that kind of goes under evil. i understand the need. i just don’t believe in killing a person for a piece of bread. the owners of the mines set up a business destined to fail and create ghost towns.

that is the reality. those of us on the outside, don’t want an extension to its life, based on the destruction of natural resources.

and i’m sorry that is harsh. but the one to be angry at, are the ones in mansions right now, living off of the industry they started that was unsustainable.

many industries have a shelf life. the appeal to those industries is generated by higher wages. how many people moved to alaska to drill oil? how many people fell over themselves to get to california and pan gold? and then who built the railroads? yes, there is a wonderful sense of continuity, when an industry can remain and support a flourishing town. but you talk about actually seeing the towns and the people? have you walked through the ghost towns of nevada? i have. for all of the humble workers that had to relocate, there is a family that never lived in that town, but lived off of that town, sitting in a mansion, still. sitting in a trump tower apartment.

want more of it, more one town one industry wonders, that’s fine. but don’t fool yourselves that they are made for the people. they are made for the ones sitting in their trump tower. and it’s not as bad as it was. but the framework is nothing to sit there and defend with pride.

do you know how china handles industry? in much of it, their workers live in dorms at the factories. and fenced in with barb wire. just because an industry makes something to sell, or offers more attractive wages, doesn’t make it good industry. the iphones sold mostly to the upper classes here, originate from parts in china–where workers have been known to jump from the roof of their factory home to commit suicide.

no…. we can draw the line at not polluting the waters. in fact, if we don’t, then cannot argue to save anything. the ones who set it up, can take their vacations to the remote, pristine islands. though those are becoming rare, too. they can go on safaris, to africa and kill big game, like the trump boys do. the ones who cannot afford that, at the very least, had our national parks.

but now the national parks in utah are slotted to be sold for coal mining. for creating more ghost towns to be. and we don’t want that. we do see what has happened in pennsylvania. and are saying, “no thank you.”

no, it is a bigger picture. there is nothing wrong with understanding your own data set. in fact, too many do not base their conclusions on their own observations. but in addition to that, when the bigger picture is ignored, it often plays into the hands of those running the bigger game at bigger tables.

the arguments over this issue, are also a set up. and maybe the best path IS to fully industrialize everything and the environment be damned.

i can’t tell for sure…. but when it is the good ol’ boys pushing for something, you can be somewhat positive that it isn’t in your best interests.

they don’t grow hearts overnight. and wanting to put more americans in factories leaves me with a cold chill. leaves me wondering why the push for everyone to have babies this last 10 years. now i know.

and that’s fine if that’s what the people want. just be sure what you are asking for. because making more money doesn’t help when the value of money tanks.

i guess i get upset, because crying to save industry towns and then i look at something like nevada, where prostitution and gambling was the final chapter for the folks from those ghost towns. i feel sorry for them.

want what is better for the people and the future. but i could be wrong. we all could be wrong and just played. not sure at this point.

but see the signs.

working for a baby boom could be the only way to save social security. more industrialization could be the only way to save the dollar, by switching from service industries to more production. but my gut feeling, is that everyone is being taken to the cleaners –especially with the images of those surrounding trump wearing smiles like the cat that ate the canary.

comes down to trust, and am seeing far too much in this administration that isn’t trustworthy. but beyond that, i see how belief is fed to the masses to further the profit for a few. the problem with reducing education and opportunity, at the same time as increasing profits for the wealthy, is they are shutting the doors on the class levels.

and again, that might work out fine. but then combine that with higher levels of communication and in general, higher educations because information is available to both rich and poor…. it’s a powder keg waiting to go off. a pressure cooker. but maybe they have plans to take away everyone’s cell phone. and to make universities even less accessible to the poor. i suppose in that scenario, i want to be the owner of the factory making masks, so people can breathe despite the choked up environment? another industry born.

and the problem with that view, is that it is fatalistic. because we CAN protect our national parks. and we CAN insist on protections for water. and we CAN decide to not go that path into heavier industrialization and waste. we CAN decide education is necessary for all, we CAN increase service industries, and we CAN put the good of the people first, WHILE increasing standards of living gradually. we CAN.

what the right wants is the lottery. to pop a few lucky to the top. “not that there’s anything wrong with that “… but where are they stepping?

in the end, have to know that you can’t know. but what is known then is more sure.

so what we know, is that greed sits better as a motivator than fear. so they feed and push the fears, then pop it into greed. which is fine, maybe all those dreams will come true. the waste in the environment will certainly give a shot in the arm to the medical industry.

and trump himself is played. that’s one of the bigger problems. to pin hopes, that a person who has been righteously played– will somehow randomly do the right thing…. is madness. the reason he jumps from topic to topic is because he can’t hold all the items that have been played on him.

we were talking about reality, and getting information from what you have actually seen. so have to remember that trump has been sitting in a tower. his understanding of poor neighborhoods, only first happened when he took a tour of the country… and so he is in the first throws of impact. it freaked him out. he then talks like he is addressing his buddies… “you won’t believe how these people live! ” …. but that has been played on him. and so they have the “genuine” for the masses. and i don’t doubt that trump sincerely wants to make all the airports bright and shiny, all the roads smooth. because he got a shock, that they aren’t that way for everybody. and i sympathize with him. but he is being played. and more importantly, that is breaking his mind. and he most definitively is not calling the shots from washington at this point, if he ever did. so what trump thinks or believes is moot. gone. done.

they had him sign executive orders drafted in such poor language, that it was unreal. so that is a betrayal by his administration. many of them know how to legally form a document. so the question is, why were they so poorly written? he was set up. played.

so anyway…. i’m done. can’t help the moon by screaming at the stars.

the usa is a good country, but it is only one country in the world. when the bigger picture moves to the world, and the observation becomes that the rest of the world might be better off without us… what makes anybody think they won’t give it a go?

that is my final worry. we buy loyalty, and trade on fears. the new world order frightened everyone into silence. but now…. now the silence is beginning to speak. the silence is deafening.

anger and frustration settle like a stink. time to be righteously happy! i do believe that, and i also believe example wins more debate than correctness. meryle streep said something that i thought was very important. “and if you think people were mad when they thought the government was coming after their guns, wait ’til you see when they try to take away our happiness.”

don’t let anyone take away your happiness, least of all a peddler like me. sometimes the only way chicken little can cross the road, is to pretend the sky is falling. then again … the sky is not the issue. it’s those damn cars on the road. it’s industry built to fail, so the damage it causes is considered something that will eventually end. and all industry flourishes or fails. all has its time. the view is always going to be different from the side of the road.

chicken little is believed, or is not believed. in the end … we hope to maintain our freedoms. to cross the road when we want, how we want, any day of the week. the freedom to KNOW the sky is falling and yet remain silent. the freedom to join silence, as it breathes the day … the freedom to know that no tomorrow, for any person– is guaranteed. and so i will dance. i will dance to the silence – i will smile even when i know the future is NOT in my hands. because by GOD! the present, IS.

the world may not rise and fall on a little bit of coal slack dumping into once-clean waters. but it is something that leadens the heart, my heart — and makes hope seem so very far away. the dance becomes a shuffle. the shuffle becomes trepidation as the feet stumble. the silence stops. how does the chicken cross the road? it flies.

so when you big bad movers and shakers get done destroying beauty for the sake of greed, look me up. i’ll be the one on the other side of the road. i’ll be the one saying, “i told you so.” over and over and over. and i will be the one dancing to silence. gripping it so fiercely…it speaks.

what is a ghost town? it is the fears left behind, the struggle melted into a piece of wood. it is the silence heard even in a crowd of tourists — walking the street, looking in doors. observing how the dust of the road is probably the same. probably not changed much over the years. a bit of wind sends a cloud of it into your face. and you wipe your eyes. hear the notes of a player piano, coming from a darkened doorway. so you head for the shade, hoping a drink is for sale. instead — the bar is a blackjack table. empty and crying tears of green felt. the sun angles from a window that is just a cut hole in the wall. a man is explaining to the tourists, how this table was one of the first gambling tables, and how valuable it was. the piano tinkling in the background.

but the ghosts? oh, the ghosts were dancing to silence … periodically shaking my hand, as i struggled not to cry. (i was really thirsty).

you want to keep your boom towns … fine. good old coal, at least a few nice songs came out of it. but don’t throw extra waste into the waters to increase your longevity. die with dignity. shake a few hands, and then dance with the silence. we’re waiting for you.

economic woes

the thing many fail to grasp — is that money does not get eaten by those receiving “benefits.” it is spent at business like any other money, and contributes to upholding those businesses.

the amount that the government relegates to go into the economy via benefits or programs, is a direct IV into the economy — keeping things afloat that might otherwise sink.

you can’t just go in and start removing programs, saying that it will “save the country money.” that is a false perception, and you must also take into account the businesses supported by that money. and then, also, the wages for workers, supported by that money — that money that no-count low down leaches spend as a direct IV into the economy.

and this is the big part of it … the majority of benefits given out in social security and other programs such as food stamps and lunch programs … that money gets spent. it rarely goes into bank accounts, for someone to sit on so that they can feel secure.

whereas the money earned as wages from jobs, often goes partly into bank accounts or savings. but even that money, is then lent to others — and it all goes round and round.

so my point is, that the bigger picture is not like the smaller picture. just because when YOU spend money, it goes AWAY from you, never to be seen again — does NOT happen in the bigger picture. in the bigger picture, when a government spends money — it goes to the next, and the next, and the next.

so when a government decides to cut funding — that entire chain collapses.

so when school lunches are cut, for instance. that reduces the money to those providing lunch to the schools. how much is debatable. some parents might pony up — but then the money they use to buy their child lunch — does not get spent on new clothes. so the clothing manufacturer sees a loss. or it doesn’t get spent on video games …. the list is endless, though since widespread is not going to show a large change, just reduces consumer spending in general.

but if the majority of parents do not pony up, and school lunches are just not served. that industry goes down. so the truck drivers, bringing supplies to the schools — are cut back. the food manufacturers find markets elsewhere, but that takes time — also there might not be a market for some of the items. fresh fruit that was going to the schools — ends up sold at discount to applesauce manufacturing.

point is, that the bigger picture for cutting government spending does NOT fit into your little picture. the picture that if you quit spending money on clothes, you then get to afford going out to lunch. in the government picture, you quit spending money on clothes, and the restaurant closes, so you can’t go out to lunch, anyway.

one thing to always remember, in economics, is that it’s not about you. the rules that govern your personal economics and understandings about money, do NOT APPLY to the larger collective nature of government spending. it’s not a debatable thing. they just don’t apply.

you don’t increase profit for a country by cutting how much money it spends. that only lowers the draw on funds, and IF it is not also matched with a drop in taxes — has no positive impact whatsoever.

now — with the lowering of taxes only on the wealthy. that is cutting programs for the poor, so that taxes can be less for the rich. but what usually happens, is the tax cutting amount is never as much as the reduction in government funding. and of course, the need for that stems from government borrowing, to add that assist into the economy. kind of like giving a star athlete performance enhancing drugs. you might not need it, but let’s borrow as much as we can to pump it up, just in case.

so does cutting the funding, automatically cut the amount of borrowing? no. the loans are paid with the taxes. the taxes (volume) go up with the borrowed money influx to the economy (more people working, more people taxed). then the more taxes then go to the loan and back into funding programs. if the funded programs are cut, and more money is available …….. where does it go? to new programs, generally. and it might go into paying on the deficit, on the loans to our country. but the pattern is not to reduce, it is to borrow as much as you possibly can. ends up being like a revolving line of credit — exactly like the low wage earner that gets a payday loan for two hundred dollars, then has to pay it the next month, and since they are now out two hundred dollars- they have to borrow two hundred dollars again just to break even. if they want to continue the increase in spending, they have to borrow $300 the next month. and $400 the next month, etc.

so that is kind of why there is a deficit. it is only bad, if the amount borrowed and put into the economy (like with school lunches) — shows less return than the amount owed on interest. something like that. in other words, the extra tax revenue generated by the punch in the arm to the economy — mean there is money left over after paying the deficit. which is then re-borrowed for more — to punch the economy in the arm again. something like that. even if not revolving, the process of deficit increase above interest rates means additional borrowing is going on. the concept of having NO deficit — like we did with President Clinton — was that the economy was well enough for incoming tax revenue to pay that off, but then having a decrease in government borrowing rather increase, meant that less money was available to put back into the economy from people’s taxes.

so going from the decrease in borrowing — to the increase of borrowing — is like the heroin addict that stops for just awhile, so that they can get more high on less heroin the next time.

the contrast creates a “lift.” so in the little picture, debt is always bad. being out of debt is good. but in the bigger picture, when it comes to government debt — it is not good OR bad. it is a mechanism used to adjust the function of the machine. the machine that is the cogs and wheels of the economy.

we all know the game of pick up sticks, right? you pull one stick out, while trying not to disturb any of the other sticks.

the interaction is complex, and really impossible to judge. don’t know until the stick is pulled, if you have managed to not make the pile move. but if you just leave it alone and don’t pull a stick — then you know it isn’t going to move.

so that’s kind of where it stands. and to those without education in economics — they think that cutting government spending means that they themselves are richer. or they think that government should ALWAYS cut spending, because gee, isn’t that what my wife is always telling me to do??? stop buying so many cups of coffee on your way to work!

but it’s not the same animal. cutting back doesn’t translate to good, like it might for the husband, who makes his wife happy that they can pay the electric bill.

cutting lunches for children, doesn’t help the government pay for its military. you would think it would. but it doesn’t come down that way. not in the bigger picture. the loss to providers of lunch foods — can translate to less tax revenue for the government. can even translate to workers placed ON a government program, which then just sucks the funding from somewhere else. and more often than not, in politics — any “savings” from a cut — goes into a pet project or new funding. so instead of paying the electric bill with the money you saved by not having coffee — your wife goes out and buys a new pair of shoes.

there is a critical state, where deficit must and should be reduced, and more paid toward the loan. but that doesn’t happen by cuts to government funding. it happens with more tax revenue. cuts to government funding, only reduce the flow of money into the economy and down the line that reduces the amount of taxes collected. and on that scale, the reduction of tax revenue would be GREATER than the amount saved from not funding something. that is because of the domino effect, when one business reduction or failure, effects another.

mostly, be aware that you have to learn an entirely different sort of economics when it comes to government spending, than you do for spending at home. it works differently, and many know that. but they still don’t understand that reducing government expenditure does not translate into an automatic better situation for the government. for the nation. every bit of expense is propping up different parts of the economy, channeling money into different businesses. you only know where it is going, by taking it away. and by then, it is too late.

onward and upward. too many punches in the arm with funding IV’s is not good. too much deficit that outpaces economic growth – is not good. but government spending and borrowing is not always bad. depends on how it is played, depends on what businesses benefit and how many individuals are better off or worse off.

that is why we have statistics, to give an indication on the health of the economy. and that is why you can’t just make up stats or change them at your will, like the president does — because those stats are what influence decisions. the tweaks to the economic machine that keep it going.

if the president doesn’t know or abide by the facts regarding the state of the economy — then where is he getting his decisions from?

pick up sticks. just pulling out whatever, to see what happens. because he doesn’t care what direction it goes, figures it is all going to hell anyway. and he’s asking members of the audience — “which stick should i pull??”

i mean, it’s fun and games for him. he likely won’t be the one on the street with no food. see????? so that kind of insanity needs to stop. because republicans will risk upsetting the apple cart if it means more profit for a friend or themselves — but they aren’t going to sit there hoping it topples.

and yet here we have the head of their party, the president — screaming out “what stick should i pull next?!!” and loving the reaction. who doesn’t know what the fallout entails, because is not interested in stability. stable countries are not easily manipulated. and i guess more importantly, stable countries are not manipulated so easily to make the rich richer.

panic and fear are a peddler’s best friend. trump hasn’t forgotten that. he knows who he is. you should, too.

the economy is a big picture. one that can’t be explained by examining your little one. one that must be given room, to include those on every inch of cause and effect. you study the pile, look at it from different angles — then pull the stick.

or for a more modern metaphor, you study the Jenga tower, look carefully for the one block you can remove. you don’t pull and pull blocks like mad, as if the goal of the game is to collect blocks. the goal of the game is to keep the tower standing as long as possible. if you crash it, you lose.

the cost of shorter sight remaining close to home

​memory for me is not like it is for others.  and others remember things wrong all the time.  you can’t tell them no.  i don’t try to correct their memory.  but it is a little depressing, especially if their memory involves false witness.  
i do what i call “notes” … if i think i might need to recall something that has impact or meaning, i remember it differently.  less detail, but more readily available to parse with information acquired in the future.
i never worked to remember names like every other person did.  finally by junior high, i realized i was going to have to create a type of memory with the names of car models… just for the sake of conversation.  i still wonder if that was a right decision, i think it inserted an instability for naming in general….
eh…… i always saw it as there is finite memory, and infinite memory.  so i keep a finite spot for phone number, social security, address, etc.  a new phone comes along, i sock it in.  but the old one has to go.  have california drivers license memorized.  but keep it like ss#, cannot replace it with utah.  
i don’t keep a huge space for short term memorization.  can insert 4 numeric quantities and keep indefinitely.  probably a side effect from recalling year dates.  now used for pin’s, of course.  smells i have disregarded, unless it is combined with a “note” ….
some books i memorize.  some i just go in one end and out the other.  depends if the information is necessary or if the author is intelligent.  these days i do not continue reading a book if the author is not intelligent.  if they are very intelligent, i also do not finish reading, and save the words for a rainy day.  hoard them, like gold.  
sorry i go on…. i am experiencing large degrees of pain these days.  somewhat in delirium.  
my sister doesn’t remember anything from before our parents died.  i remember it so clearly can hear my dad sing.  can touch the carpet.  can see the sky and taste the figs from our tree… it really is a blessing, i suppose.  others have to be told what they remember.  i choose my own memories to bring to the surface, because it’s all there.  i never assumed that my finite memory was infinite.  some people memorize entire speeches, use them like form letters.  and half the time they don’t even know what they are saying.  only know when the response might be appropriate.  it’s why so many don’t actually answer questions.  that type of mind will be empty when it ages?  well i don’t know why they decided that path.  
i, on the other hand, never set aside space for memorized speeches.  instead, allotted that place in the brain to active thought.  i tried it, of course.  memorizing what to say in this or that situation.  left things more confusing.  the higher rate of nervousness, the less able to use their index for which memorized speech.  so the ones that rattle off and appear cool and collected, have better control of their index.  some do it by paragraph.  

and that’s why i don’t have to listen to everything they say, if i already have heard the argument they are regurgitating.  of course, it’s not good to assume that.  but hard not to.
but the degree of memorized bullsh+t…  this is the difference between fast talkers and slow talkers.  and fast talkers will rattle things off regardless of the reception.  they don’t parse the comprehension of their audience and make adjustments?  something like that.  if the comprehension level is incredibly low, i sit and listen.  or i kind of give up.  turn the direction into a joke.  i like laughter, it is it’s own language.
can be a bad habit, the goal of attempting to make people laugh, instead.  even though there seems no other choice, since real communication is not possible.  many don’t know how to adapt gears quickly enough, can’t follow unless it is these mundane, shallow steps.  little creative energy?  i don’t know.

have never been able to figure it out.  why i am so totally, utterly, and completely socially awkward.  i placed that lower in importance, the value of what others think of you.  or i placed it so high, that guaranteed paths of appearance over communication, seemed more suitable.

i love memories, they are a refuge.  a fortress for ruling reality.  a way to be where you are, and where you are not.  a coating of experience that determines action.  

i suppose it is the day dreamer.  memories that are just as real, and only counted as “then” because of the differences from now.  when people like me get old, we talk about the past and wander and ramble incoherently.  

every human being needs to determine for themselves, what is fact and what is theory.  i have very little fact and almost all theory.  therefore my world is very large, and very wonderful.  because i can create more theories and more… i reshuffle my notes, and strive for the next memory-to-be.  

and then that becomes part of the whole.  the center of being and self awareness and self determination.  factor that in.  reshuffle the notes.

i know how not to sound like a pompous a-hole.  know how to be liked and receive that kindness from others that means they perceive you as similar to themselves.  after all, that’s what kindness means… of like kind.

well… memories are something i use to build reality away from what everyone else says it is.  you can believe changes are for the good, or for the bad.  aging, for instance.  you can see it as degeneration, or as getting to know better how your body works with every passing day.  

i don’t know what kind of memory i have.  was never interested in finding out what others call it.  what i call it, is mine.  i speak and go on when figuring out a puzzle, because forming theories.  ones that work for me.  i learn theories from others.  but i don’t automatically add them as fact.  i test them.  if testing is not possible, i put it in theory and gather data.  look at it periodically, to see how things stand up.
this is what i call an abstract write.  there are very little tangible elements.  this is how i can talk with those of intelligence.  long conversations, completely in the abstract.  

otherwise it’s like playing tennis against a wall.  the memory then involves a blank face, and misunderstanding that leads to condemnation.  remember the scene in My Fair Lady where she practices small talk?  i bust out laughing at that every single time.

my memory is vivid from before my parents died.  because i refreshed the notes, and made space for entire years as a whole.  i could not afford to lose those memories.  their lost lives are greater than my continuing one.  things i did forget, i used self hypnosis to elicit a recall.  but there is no way whatsoever to establish a memory realistically that way, as an actuality.  has to go under a possibility.

so i like to have conversations in the abstract.  the rain in spain stays mainly in the plain…. but i suppose it is also the best of all possible worlds.  abstract communication takes a large degree of energy.  

it’s also what people laugh at, when stoners get together and converse while being amazed at their own thoughts.  well, i “trip” when i am in pain.  

am still trying to figure out why mornings are so incredibly miserable…. but sometimes at night, the pain just lifts. no reason at all. i am free.

so i’m trying to figure that out. every once in awhile, the morning is free of pain. it is a reminder of when i was young, and the heaven of sleeping in on a saturday.

so that’s better than nothing. oh well… at some point i hope the pain itself is just a memory.

i tried to go to the doctor, long time ago, btw. i’m on a blacklist. he just f+cked with me and left me for dead. i won’t try again. sick stuff, what they call medical “tests” these days. good lord, DEFINITELY something i don’t want to remember.

time for a basket of pansies and a proof of redemption

just got done reading an article published by fox news, written by a trump tower tenant, insisting on how sane 45 is …. wow the nose a particularly deep shade of brown. one thing he tries to use as proof, is the “stability” of the stock market — or rather the gush. and i’m like — how bright ARE you? the stock market rose because trillions were removed in the bonds market — because investors immediately lost confidence in the american dollar the minute trump was elected.

ok? it’s not a good thing, it is the sign of a coming wave of inflation. inflation that will cost struggling families in how much groceries they can buy, and how many children can go to college. but it won’t cost investors much, because they ride the tanking dollar for all it’s worth.

combine lowering the value of the dollar, with reducing taxes for the wealthy, and eliminating consumer protection, as well as using public lands for oil …..all this doesn’t speak of mental stability in a president– it speaks of heartlessness in a human being, a lack of soul only found in a sociopath — which is what i think is more possible than just a narcissist.

i mean, it’s all well and good, to say that “success” means you cannot POSSIBLY be mentally ill. and in typical fashion, the writer of the article turns his declarations into an advertisement for trump products. step right up! buy from trump! but the price on lies is getting to be a little too much.

and i wonder what else they are selling, when so very many celebrities have drug problems. when the definition of thespian involves an external loci or need for attention. when that need for attention inspires the president to hold classified meetings as if they were dinner theater, makes a public display–because that means he gets an audience.

often, i pictured president Obama up late at night, reading reports and working all hours to make sure he was well-informed… going over material and keeping abreast of international events. that is what a mentally well politician does — they WORK. trump watches fox news and thinks power is the toy that isn’t real unless he uses it. he doesn’t live at the whitehouse — he doesn’t LIVE anywhere. is lost inside himself. a drifter. can’t even actually move into the whitehouse. he has no home. trump has perches.

so argue anything you want — that his lies make you cream your pants. but don’t sit there with a straight face and declare that president trump is perfectly sane. i know a fellow crazy when i see one.

associating trump with mental illness doesn’t detract from trump, it puts down the rest of humanity that is mentally ill. so i agree that labeling trump as mentally ill isn’t fair — it isn’t fair to the rest of the mentally ill. to be grouped with such a big, fat liar. a violent sociopath, when most mentally ill are passive or introverted. no, it’s not fair to the rest of us, and we know exactly where trump belongs.

but unlike his followers, are not happy to be led into the mental illness of mob justice — the “lock her up!” that shows a whole new kind of animal will be entering the mental hospitals in droves, soon.

no … i think trump needs help. but group therapy or any therapy won’t do it. pills won’t do it, i’m sure he already takes all kinds. (probably why needs to be at trump tower or the golf course — the need to be near a stash is over-powering for an addict.)

there is not much about trump that ISN’T crazy. from hair that got stuck in the 70’s — if i had a fara faucet doo my whole life, you WOULD call that a sign and proof of my mental illness! you would! from his hair, to his blatant rhetoric and lies — which again, if i exaggerated everything, and said 50 people attended my party instead of the actual 20 — you would call that a sign of my mental illness! you would! if i waved my hands with constant hand signals — you would tell me to stop it! you would call that a sign of my mental illness! you would!

if i won a contest — and then brought it up at every dinner party, and out of the blue at every chance …. you would call that a sign of my mental illness! you would! if i spoke in public about grabbing men’s balls — you would call that mental illness! you would! if i blanked out, and just did not acknowledge people i didn’t want to hear — you would call that mentally ill! you would!

ok???? ok????? just because crazy is powerful, doesn’t make it less crazy. makes it more dangerous, is all. not good dangerous, the kind of dangerous that means control and manipulation are a swift path to death and destruction.

insanity is catching … don’t you think i know it? i’ll let it go. but you remember what i said. and remember the next time you want to say something i’m doing is proof that i’m mentally ill … think how i’ve proven you wrong. how mental illness is something you consider the person, no matter how good they are, or how bad they are. it is a label that gets delivered to the poor, and not to the rich. it is a label used to divide people from those who have looked into hell, and come out the other side.

trump looked into hell. the problem is, he is still there.