i said “to be a good christian” (finished version)

let’s examine the psych profiles of therapists
first there are ones like the one i met today
digging for dirt so they can go home
and talk and laugh about their patients
you can identify them by the questions they ask,
but not just what they ask, but how they ask
like dogs drooling for a meal.

this type makes me particularly sick
and indicates a serious pathology
that no amount of training will alleviate

i have been known to bate them
just to see how deeply they drool

then there are the yes men
those who simply repeat what you say
and then write furiously
as they record what you reveal
basically harmless
but does feel like an extreme waste of time
since you might as well be trying
to get advice from a mirror

then there is the seasoned therapist,
who listens and offers
proactive advice…. those are hard to find

there is the type that
studies you like you are a curiosity
in a cage….. that truly believe
that they are exempt from life
or problems since they have
a profession listening to problems

it is such a strong delusion
that no matter how long you speak with them,
they will believe they are superior and
are to have their ring kissed and their
arse l*cked

just think about it as the worst boss you ever had
but then picture having to listen to that boss
ask you if you are suicidal
and then see them salivating waiting
for a juicy answer

there is the type of therapist
that ignores you
that has other things on their mind
and just sort of nod

there is the type that
smiles too much
there is the type that
frowns too much

some are hippies with long hair
tied in a pony tail
and insist that your parents
are to blame for everything

some are built like lifeguards
burning skin and out of place
in an office

some have super short hair
and bossy as can be
some have glasses
and rub their foreheads a lot

through all of these
i have just been me….. i try to make them laugh
i try to see why they decided
to be a therapist

i evaluate them as much or more
than they evaluate me

this visit?

well first, she had the two chairs available
with no indication which is the one for the patient

so i just took the one nearest the door
i’m sure that meant that
i was potty trained far too early

i sat and listened to questions
like do you do drugs?
are you suicidal?
do you drink?
what is your life goal?

i said “to be a good christian”

her head sort of went back in surprise
she smacked and licked her lips

then said i would only have to see her
once a quarter
it’s like a bad pitch from verizon
this will ONLY
cost you $20 more a month!

each appointment costs ME
at least three hours out of my day
as well as $5 for bus fare

if my time were modestly valued
at $10/hour
that would be $120 plus $20 bus
extra per year

so i can what again?
oh yea, spill my guts to
a person so low on brains that
i just feel sorry for her.

i don’t want to be forced
to meet with someone
to feel sorry for them.

see, they are saying it is policy
and i’m saying it is extortion

i just need my pills and
leave me alone
i don’t want to be the subject
of your conversations at bars after work

i know your type
i really do

and i don’t have time to train you
to be a good therapist
i just don’t

i am done with the lot,
and what you place on others
is not my responsibility

it is not
not my fault

if you make therapy
a requirement
to see a doctor for meds…

i will do without the lot of you
and you can all deal with
my family’s joy about that

i am too old to
have some snot nosed kid
take an attitude on me
with little to no respect
and very little in the way
of actual humanitarian motives

i cannot train yet another
especially when this raw

a baby……

who decided i can be forced
into therapy?

you can’t force it
make a person talk?
you just force them to waste their time…

so they are too big of idiots
and they can threaten me all they like

i will report on them right here,
in my blog
every time….

and we can laugh
i can be the one to pick them apart

because i am tired
i am just too damn tired

i asked her,
” do i have your permission to get my meds now? ”
she looked sort of stricken,
like only just then realizing
the extent of absurdity

these “mental health” joints
have more turn over than the local mcdonalds
…. and then the appointment
desk…. more smirky 20 year olds…
tell me they will have to call with an appointment
someone next week.
that they are waiting for a new med doctor

and what else can i say?
” ok, i’ll wait for a call ”

and shrug my shoulders
walk out thinking i wasted
$5 bus and 3 hours for this?

and i know
i know i shouldn’t let it drive me crazy
but i hate nothing more
than people who figure
they have you pinned

they are the children
who never got over pulling wings off butterflies…

and i have no wings left


so i studied how lcd works, turning the crystals to display color…. and perhaps color itself
in our 3 dimensional world
is but a position
a turning

maybe all things are all colors
we see purple
because of position
that if stepped into another dimension
the colors would also be moved

we are taught that color
refracts that one wave
but what if all things refract all waves,
it is in their positional relationship
to the one who views

we learn color indicates
meat that has sat around longer
is a different red
maybe it loses the ability to chime red
to turn its crystals
but maybe it is red to all people
only because all observe/see from the same
maybe your eyes look blue to me
because of the positioning
of your eyes and my sight, combined
and matter has its properties
not as a reflection of light waves
but as a positioning within itself
according to created differences

we do not see because of light
we see because matter chooses
what color to be
but only because the person observing
has a consistency in its mobility
we are moving
but standing dimensionality still
in the pressed glass

so that freedom from our own receptors
in death
means to observe within other dimensions
the multitude of properties
beyond color

standing under pressure

how deep does the purple in the flower seem to me?
how wide is the sky?
how angry is the bee?
how red is the meat in the supermarket,
how bright is a smile
when no happiness is there?

i climbed only one mountain
i fished only one stream
i owned only one turtle
only once really screamed

how green is the grass when it
reaches in the rain
races toward a lift
before the clipper comes again?
how dead is the clay
of a bruised and battered land?
how timed is a life
trapped in an hourglass with sand?

how white are the clouds
that drift along without a care
and how simple are these thoughts
when only vision breathes the air?

how purple is a flower
for eyes trained to see its depths?
how blessed is every raindrop
in a world already wet?

how far can i look forward
and how backward do i lean?
oh its not that i was angry
even sunshine has a beam

as we twist compare and contrast
never worried
by the score …
for each purple flower is beauty
yet in clay the grace is more

are you suffered?
are you anxious?
well a world was never home
for to see a deeper consequence
is to live result alone
…. and peace
dawns but an age
for each dog to gnaw its bone

how gray is the shuddering of rain
upon the rock?
how deeply formed in time
is a book between its thoughts

how wide are your hopes?
perhaps they never found relief
but remember colors deepen
as you contemplate beneath

the team of light

(trained by the grain of every flower!
not under-stood yet always stand)
while a purple only chimes in position of its plight
plucked by the hand


to be fat or not fat


my thoughts on this article are yes, of course.  from growing up in a world where you were expected to be able to wear a bikini with a flat stomach, i learned to cover myself, to squeeze into tight jeans and feel always less of a person, even though i was obviously more.

the thing this article leaves out, is how geography can relate to “fat perception.”  one of the reasons i’ve settled on utah as my home, is that the standards for “thin” are not so aggressive as they were in california.  my perception of self has been able to relax in a much less “body-focused” environment.

am not necessarily saying utahans are a bunch of fatties, but the priorities here are different.  clothing is not so much a social standing, as it is a function of protection from the environment.  and super-skinny is what stands out as the oddball, rather than “super-fat.”  it’s more about friendly, versus not-friendly.  it’s more about how nice you can be to others, rather than how much you can shut others out for perceived inadequacies.

i’ve known since a teenager, how to lose my weight.  but i opted to be healthy, instead.  right or wrong, it was a decision i made in the face of continual judgment and condemnation.  and even in utah, that still remains, but to a lesser degree.  just gives me a little breathing room, to not see myself as such an awful person for not fitting into that bikini…. for not having a flat stomach that only feeds the impervious icon that is all about sex, and nothing about being real.

timeless is a memory

large “thunk” early this morning
as popped my back into place
brain feels like released
from a vise
breath comes easier
not squirming inside
trying to remove consciousness
from misery

will it be one day this time?
when young it was the moments of love
wanting to capture and freeze
in time

now i just want to hold on
to days
where pain fades
when i can smile with peace…
rather than forcing a grin
to override tenacious polity

cross my legs and sigh
sip coffee and think
of all the needs to escape
what it means to find life unbearable
how moments seal us to where we are
or where we cannot be…..

beauty in the birds
fluttering for morning seed
an old woman walking her dog
croons and speaks to it
she wears a hat

the woman
not the dog
the dog wags its yellow tail
birds flutter away
only to return

oh it’s good to not smile
from around pain ridden eyes!
to inhale and exhale
without exigency

to see something in this day
rather than just getting through it