Sinners and Choosers

what do you do when you are a fix-it person?
first the image of “right”
then the application to set things
“right”

even if it works
you fix it to work BETTER
constantly crawling
is it the mind that climbs?

better outlooks come with better days
the past always has its patina
fools
played fools and there’s the rub;
predictable when you want to fix ‘things’

what is drama?
large changes, i guess
the dirty word these days
(patinas are free & loose on that one)

see, i have a headache and stare out of eyes
as if each sight has to get AROUND
a billowing mass of hopelessness that scrunches up
into wrinkles that never stay
on a forehead that is barely tolerated

and THAT is not something ambivalous velocities want to share
stay quiet
get over it

try to remember what aging is supposed to mean
look at traditions and realize they are flawed…
what
what
what
i need to FIX that ……

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tomorrow isn’t another day
all you can do is push on(ward)

only depths of stupid can do the same:
say that it never was about BEING right

it’s about smiling when others are wrong
and saying that doesn’t really matter

i was there once
but HERE?
here is where i have never been
and i know i should be more scared
and less worried

if tomorrow i die

so i was thinking
if i knew i was going to die tomorrow,
what food would i want today?

then realized the answer would be nothing
because would spend the entire time writing.

and it’s not that have all this wisdom to impart
but without imparting, it isn’t wisdom

would say to not forget you are beautiful
that the softest heart endures the longest
and bounces instead of breaking
would say, don’t waste time worrying
because all that anxiety will catch up with you
and there is no need to see yourself as that important

would say that every single dang one of us
all us animals out for our quest on this planet,
each one of us is precious
and that if you let go and go with the flow
don’t forget you also have feet that can plant
and reverse the tide

would say that it is hard to be mean, but
by God! yes be mean when you need to set boundaries

but then remember that every single affront is inherited
we grow together
and we grow apart

the important thing to remember
is that love is nothing without strength…
….nothing!
and strength is nothing without compassion

what do i find when i open my eyes in the morning?
a world that will crave confusion
if you feed her too much instruction

it’s about finding your own way
circles….spirals
there is no darkness on the edges,
but light itself
is simply the seen

i would write….
and then i would say thank you
maybe find a doughnut

always loved doughnuts.

glass houses are stoned

we ask for peace
and then have to decide
the meaning of peace

what is the meaning of a bad day?
a bad year
a bad century
peace divided by time =
20,000 ways to be sorry
in the aftermath

tend your own garden
hoe your own row
how is anger inspired?
sign said “BITCHCRAFT:
making others angry
by telling them the truth.”

what kind of truth is in peace
what is this great search or destination
this abject crucifixion
upon civilization
a song was promised
and so steps are steps
bridging the gaps
between here and never there…

***

birds greet the day
and sorrow hopes to see the sun
but if you can’t get there walking,
then you run

and if running wears you down
then you find the wings to fly
a life is only bitter
from cold depths between your eyes

find me now
where human feet touched older roads
where they knew the better path
to turn around and dos-see-dough

like the pages of a book
like the stardust in the sea
did you ever find a rock
that wasn’t free?

if running wears you down
then you settle on the shore
for only waves will understand
no more….
no more….

find me now
and i’ll parry warm delights
for tender strengths you hate in me
i’ll offer up to kill the night

open arms for open days
open lives in open plays
… did you think that less left more between the lines?
or did they wonder where to find a truth
when all that’s known is lies?

weary man will greet the day
endurance always sees the sun
but when you can’t get there walking,
then you run

from the bullet in your brain
where hate decides that life is pain
did you see the hole where hope once made its home?
i gave the best from me
with words in paths and minds that be

the day’s not over
thought gave us her all
find wings that let you fly
and i’ll run hard to touch the sky
for in the end
when spite lets sorrow eat your brain
i will laugh with those before me
who marked time as timed insane …

find me now
and i’ll tell you where I’ve been
the roads are older paths
where grandma walked on needles
pins
do you see the birds?
they’re singing
notes practiced wearing thin …

and if you can’t get here walking
how does fear make armies run?
in woven spirits held together
light will always turn the sun

and if we can’t get there running
then we’ll bless the wings that fly
quiet prayers for every hope that passes by…

find them now
while human feet touched older roads
then countless pain knew better paths
and countless joy knew dos-see-doughs

for bringing edges of tomorrow
turn around to see you see
how wonder fades to treasured mournings
where my heart has always been

like the pages of a book
like the stardust in the sea
did you ever find a rock
that wasn’t free?

up for away

how can we be better people?
each day lived
is an improvement on the last
because the last is gone
dead
yet here the hope stands, now

should you laugh more
love more
sing more
hug more
work harder
play harder
have more vacations
read more books
drive more cars …

should you be something you are not
so you can think you are something
you always thought others should be

where are the lines?

i never thought it was important to love yourself
because passion doesn’t need to tell itself to love passionately

self-preservation is one of the instincts
doesn’t require intellectual reinforcement

a better person … does that mean more conformed
to idealistic parameters?

is that when you get to be happy?
or is it now
as something that isn’t a better person yet
something still growing
because great expectations were always ….
great

so we are constantly young
even though the body has begun to scream from age
…….. how do i make other people THINK i’m a better person?
THAT’s the question
how does one change those structured opinions
of actions and being
based on what is fundamentally appearance?

it is all appearance
the whole damn lot

i never cared because i had other things to do
but might some day
might turn around and put on that face everybody
believes they understand

because no one gets that this is it;
smooth, tenderized destruction within the infinite
births of the present …

will conjecture manifest a better person?
oh never … i don’t think so
the woken mind is already on the better side of yesterday:
you … you, my friend …
already contain the truth of being alive.

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i squish spiders

when playing volleyball at Lutheran school
hit the ball out of bounds for about the third time
one of the men said “well, at least she’s consistent.”

went on to play at the beach
high school volleyball team
and a real coach
we ran laps on soft sand
could dive as good as any
though never coordinated enough to
manage the killer spike

tall person, you know
they… the infinite they
EXPECT things

how does injustice compute failure?
see, i got to play
and that’s all i really wanted

not left standing on the edge
(like at the Lutheran school)
while no one passes you the ball
(trust is a strange thing among children…)

it’s kind of worse than not being chosen for a team
because you are ON the team and left with never a chance
to practice or get better so then
they confirm their thoughts on how awful you are
it is a trap
and you didn’t stumble into it
were pushed with never a thought on what is fair
what is right
(children are innocent you know …)

so i played at the ymca too
knee pads for the dives
learning to temper strength
a coach makes sure you get the chance
a chance to PROVE

so what is improvement?
made sure i knew how to play
proved ‘em all wrong
tides and time
worlds and worlds

was never about winning
when you win, the fun is over

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