this day

this day

41 years ago

my parents lost their lives

 

this day

41 years ago

my brother and sister lost their lives

 

it’s not that I’m angry at death

but I ask why do I live

what purpose

that could have fallen to 6

is now left to 2

 

they call us survivors, here

but always felt more like the left to wait

left behind

left alone

 

left…..

 

I think on how I found their graves

finally made my grandmother show me where they were buried

I would constantly get “your mother wouldn’t treat me this way.”

 

and I would just think about how my mother’s dead

how it doesn’t matter

it’s me and I don’t do things like her

how could i?

she didn’t raise me

 

we found the graves

and grandma said “I’m going to go sit in the car”

 

NOBODY WANTS TO COMFORT ME IN MY GRIEF!!!!!!

WHY????????????????

 

WHY AM I LEFT ALONE TO FACE THEIR GRAVES

 

TO look up at the mountains and vow to stand forever

always the only strength

alone

 

I left flowers

on their stone

every July 26th

if in town

 

and I remember driving the california highway screaming in my mind

you’re SORRY??????  I want to see piles

mounds of flowers from every person on earth

then I will believe you

 

remember?

I stormed into the darkness

tears streaming down my face

and I said you show me something

some sign…

 

you’re SORRY????

THEY ARE DEAD

and I stand with one foot in and one out

 

don’t tell me I am afraid of death

I am afraid only of myself

it was dark

the highway is dark

 

and their grave is in santa paula

with the wind

dry leaves and no flowers

 

and I am here

weeping until I can’t see the keyboard

 

you don’t stop mourning, you dumb asses

the mind and all you have only turns from the grave

 

to face what has to be faced;  to hold one hand quietly still

while the other waves good-bye

 

 

today

this day

is also my son’s birthday

 

we both grasp purpose and heart

his bigger than mine

mine shadowed and tried

we will manage–carry on

I will reduce my hurt

no answer here gives restitution–

it’s how I began

life started with misery
anger….hurt
more burden and piss-poor deals

i look on what peace i’ve gathered around myself
could i have gotten any help?
no….do it all myself

left to wonder….
left

left to wonder
if they had lived

would i have lived too?

Feedback always welcome

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s