this day
41 years ago
my parents lost their lives
this day
41 years ago
my brother and sister lost their lives
it’s not that I’m angry at death
but I ask why do I live
what purpose
that could have fallen to 6
is now left to 2
they call us survivors, here
but always felt more like the left to wait
left behind
left alone
left…..
I think on how I found their graves
finally made my grandmother show me where they were buried
I would constantly get “your mother wouldn’t treat me this way.”
and I would just think about how my mother’s dead
how it doesn’t matter
it’s me and I don’t do things like her
how could i?
she didn’t raise me
we found the graves
and grandma said “I’m going to go sit in the car”
NOBODY WANTS TO COMFORT ME IN MY GRIEF!!!!!!
WHY????????????????
WHY AM I LEFT ALONE TO FACE THEIR GRAVES
TO look up at the mountains and vow to stand forever
always the only strength
alone
I left flowers
on their stone
every July 26th
if in town
and I remember driving the california highway screaming in my mind
you’re SORRY?????? I want to see piles
mounds of flowers from every person on earth
then I will believe you
remember?
I stormed into the darkness
tears streaming down my face
and I said you show me something
some sign…
you’re SORRY????
THEY ARE DEAD
and I stand with one foot in and one out
don’t tell me I am afraid of death
I am afraid only of myself
it was dark
the highway is dark
and their grave is in santa paula
with the wind
dry leaves and no flowers
and I am here
weeping until I can’t see the keyboard
you don’t stop mourning, you dumb asses
the mind and all you have only turns from the grave
to face what has to be faced; to hold one hand quietly still
while the other waves good-bye
today
this day
is also my son’s birthday
we both grasp purpose and heart
his bigger than mine
mine shadowed and tried
we will manage–carry on
I will reduce my hurt
no answer here gives restitution–
it’s how I began
life started with misery
anger….hurt
more burden and piss-poor deals
i look on what peace i’ve gathered around myself
could i have gotten any help?
no….do it all myself
left to wonder….
left
left to wonder
if they had lived
would i have lived too?
