and she said she was proud

holding the guts twisted with baling wire;
finding intensity in bloodless eyes:
a peek of bone–
a glimpse of polished foundations.
(i always felt that worry would get me through)

rock hard underneath all the skin,
the hesitant organ that belongs to faith
and faith alone–

skipping stones.
every other one
poking a finger at the calendar,
and going,
“yep,
it goes around.”

but not the same spot:
never the same reasons!
we make fun–
grant perplexities
to every ambulatory season.

do i seem scattered?
it happens
when your night is alone once again,
and tears don’t cry into a pillow…
no, not here:
they can’t afford to leap to such conclusions,

passed from mother to daughter;
each drop
forsaken,
billowing to greater heights.

sometimes i wish excitement were more human.
sometimes i bleed insanity, and blush distraction,
but i never got used to the anticipation.
the things you told me to be,

and the other things
(all those other things)
that i decided to own,

they are mine now:
skin and bone.
and i think a heart, that beats for the sake of rhythm,
complicates a mind that decided you were right;

you were right all along.

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23 thoughts on “and she said she was proud

  1. Eileen, i have been browsing through all your writing. I remember you a few years ago from myspace. Glad to see you again. Excellent writing. Thank you :-)

  2. It’s amazing that so much that came before us contributes to what we are today. Eloquently expressed.

    Barbara (MSp)

    • thanks…..am glad and good to see you…..sorry if i’m such a pain! mostly think i like it here because no ads…..i have almost a photographic memory or perception…..pick up things and they go into my head, even if i’m not concentrated on them. can scroll a list of cities, for example, as fast as you can scroll, and stop dead on mine. can speed read….but prefer not to. have that kind of input when i’m looking at things. so even the tiny ads at the bottom, that most people ignore…..they register on me. and the more obscene or immoral the ads get…..the more distressing it is for me to view a page. because i can’t block it out.

      so coming to wordpress is like venturing into a peaceful meadow, after dealing with a dirty and crowded city.

  3. I liked both the poem and the artwork (as I have come to expect from you, E!) ;)

    I liked what you were saying in the poem, though I am not sure I understood all of it. You still have some excellent lines -

    “a glimpse of polished foundations.”
    “sometimes i bleed insanity, and blush distraction,”
    “and i think a heart, that beats for the sake of rhythm,”

    just to name a few…

    As to the gist of it – I have learned the hard way that so much of what my mom told me was right! I’ve also learned that it’s uncanny how many of us DO become our parents! And lastly, that old saw about hindsight being 20/20…yeah, it’s true. :)

    Btw, just fyi – I never read the bulletins, ever, so I rely on your MS posts to know when you have something new up. I do follow the individual threads here, but haven’t figured out yet how to subscribe to you unless it’s through the RSS feed – is that the only way?

    M’kay – enough rambling. Kudos.

  4. RSS feed if you don’t belong to wordpress. if you have a wordpress account, can add the http://eebrinker.wordpress.com to your “blog surfer”….it’s at the top left on the dashboard page.

    there is supposed to be some way, when belonging to wordpress, to just click on something to get subscribed to a blog…..but i haven’t figured it out yet…..so i mostly use the blog surfer.

    i have a twitter….at http://twitter.com/eebrinker …..and could put up a notice on there.

    for now am doing the notifications on myspace….but really would sort of like to back out of that…..(slowly and gradually with my guns drawn! lmao)

    on the poem and art…..i named the abstract piece “anticipation” and came to realize as i wrote on it, that so much of what we anticipate for our lives, is what we have been told and raised to believe. the sad thing about that, though….is that doesn’t necessarily make it wrong….

    the first stanza is about church….the second is about dying….the third and fourth is a shorthand version of my theory on circles and their inappropriate applications…..the fifth is rather self-explanatory…..the sixth is when i realized what i was reaching for yet again came back to where i came from (cannot say how many times i was told to quit crying…)…..the seventh is my tie in of that history to the over-all theme (strength is a strange bedfellow…)….the eighth is about owning responsibility (or owning your actions) more than anything else……the ninth is how that responsibility is skin and bone (also a reference to stanza one and two there), how it is part of us…..and of course, the conclusion is that she knew all this…..

    that was the thought process, but i left it open…..including leaving out the “of me” in the title……so that meaning could be more widely applied. and hope my little explanation didn’t spoil anything…..you’ve heard me talk about thoughts, and how they can be so vast and almost impossible to capture….and that’s what sort of happened here. trying to put too much into one space….but it’s a marker for me…..a point of reference to where i feel like in spiritual growth right now? something like that….am just stronger now than ever in my whole life. and she knew it…..she saw where i was going and had this tremendous respect for me….even though i hadn’t earned it. and i think parents are like that…..

    and of course, then it comes down to the theme….that when they say that they are proud of us, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy…..something we can anticipate…..and yes, so much of that is we turn into our parents….or at the least, something that they expected us to be….

  5. We are usually the product of our upbringing, and those early influences are difficult to escape.

    Wonderful, meaningful writing.

  6. And it was really worth it….the late night and early morning…you should do it more often…love the ending, but I am not sure who is right….I need more info…I have learned there are three sides to every story…his…hers…and the truth!

  7. too true….often a compromise….or a sort of half truth from each…..

    still have a headache tonight, and might be calling it quits early tonight….just wears me down

    thanks so much for the compliments…..i knew there was a reason i always waited last minute to do my homework and crammed until the wee hours….. :)

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