conversion of the impulse

It’s not the acuity
It’s the interpretation of the acuity
The translation of pain
Sharp
Staccato
Irresistance

Tonic to impervious countenance
Hijacked points gelled on the cusp of consideration

If it is real
Could you see past the excellent
Response

Craving destruction for pain
Endings for eternity

Is there worse?
Yes….but not by much

It’s not the acuity
It’s the interpretation of acuity
The complicity to believe more
Is less

The soulful desire that will not come
Because you are perfect
Too damn perfect

Sheltered on the breeze
Creators laugh
And pray

And you understand mistakes
The reasons you are strong
Kill quickly in a slow world

Prancing past the range of sight
I take it into me
And give nothing
Everything

Is no matter
But I wonder
So very much wonder

did you find the time?
Do any of us….

i live with what i can’t bear
burn for what i can’t understand

i sit in the dark
and squint at salvation
the trumpet of reality
the park where i venture

alone

stepping where only MY god

wills

FOUR WALLS, INFINITY, AND A CHAIR

have you ever thought about how
everything
is a prison……

the world isn’t big enough
while some dream
Of another place to conquer
SPACE

THE ENDLESS FRONTIER
Someplace else
Always the “else”

An existence beyond this
That involves purity
Simplistic…………..understanding      (what the fuck……it’s close)

This is our prison yard
And the universe is our salvation
Of sunshine outside
The confines of
Despondency

traveling ever straightly
the lines of sticky roads, unsolved

Have you ever thought about how
Everything
Is a prison……

And we theorize forever exists
OUT THERE

Because we LOST it

HERE

A planet that is circular so that you NEVER

Escape!                                              all GPS tracked…..look mom, i have a chip in my ear!

Always looking for the bigger house
We are always looking for the bigger box

Bigger existence on bigger planes
Freedom the cry
Of every heart that means nothing
It means nothing

Have you ever thought about how
Everything
Is a prison……

How it comes down to attitude
How it is locked inside
Locked inside

The worst in comprehension
Is the best in toenail clippings
I hear some save them
………………………………………………..And I used to think that
Magic
Had some sort of get out of free jail
Card

But then you hit the walls
Breathing hard
You lick the stone
And scrape fingers up the ridges of bold design
———————(God is a master, but then so is our formatted conspicuous indiscretion )
Glazed perspective owning up out and in

Backwards…..the wall you left
To find

This one……….so many worlds you needed…..held…..conspired

When I was little
My mom made me try on a coat
And I stood in the store

Watching infinity play out in red buttons on a mirror

And I thought the better answer was
Here

The one I looked down
And felt

The one that was smooth
And hard

Smelling like Sears and popcorn always buckled on delight

The moment of knowing you are everything
And everything is not you

2 plus 2 equals four
But 4 does not equal two plus two

The reality of flesh
And ache
And every in between you thought
To know
And experience because love was something you always

drank

the cup never approaching innocence……………………………not once

Have!!!!!

It’s all a prison

So it’s all free ……………..(the smallest cell a bounty of movement…the thickest chains no killer of wanton ghosts…..no matter where you are, so goes the ache of choice)

Which side of the coin do you belong to…………….(some think they own the coin, but that was a myth started by Wells Fargo)

As it flips toward the sky
Spinning……

Life gave us what we needed
And we

Said

We needed

More
Always more
in one more box

one more mirror………………………………..one last door for survival

the key

an antithesis
of space

the answer
a warm blanket your mom made
crocheted by withering hands

left on a football field
or was it a park…….there was grass and mud and a fountain

and you left it there
mad

the world mad all around and it’s not a prison
oh no! it’s not a prison it’s not a prison

it’s something worse
much worse

life is four walls, infinity, and a chair

time going backwards
because the theme believes it won’t for you

entitlement one head lifted up
and ten heads bowed forward

studying cracks in the floor
these trumpets of imperfection perfected
but only more like their brothers

perfection the gift of establishing LIKE

freedom an illusion
one hand that knows pain
the other, pleasure
it smells like wounded birds

it floats like burdened sky
it is us
it is ours
the wanderlust
the probability to not be content
the heart of a

wish

wish of a dying beat
i will not
i do not
i cannot

do you ever think about a moment
that your brain froze into perfect memory?
something totally innocuous and irrelevant
sitting there
waiting for you to occupy
the neurons living that flagrant design

i was getting out of a car
it was a hospital
before she died and the car was hers
and they were glad to have it

and there was an insanity i couldn’t put my finger on

but that is the moment
i think that is when i realized that some are stuck
because they don’t see all the layers
or they are layered
because they don’t see the stuck

mostly i don’t want to be trapped
but there isn’t much choice
slapped on the ass and born to dream your way
past the sheltered pines
on the other side of that hill

yes, that one right over there

it’s a prison
not a bad one

(except those nights when the pillow rains sharks….or those days when emptiness folds mountain tops….)

and only as big or small

as you

as you live

only as old or as young as desire

i gave up my hope for a ticket to a different show

the next or the last

or the next to last

all i live on are regrets

every one rolled in cinnamon sugar

like the donuts i used to sell

on my love for the yellow sign that touched the sky

that was me being weird and i have to go back

enter the fray the days the love of glossy sight
the burning of indirect nights
a history ground into beginnings
and beginnings ground
into paste

glue for the next round of minds that need a way out

each will leave a book or two
and a memory of reasons…….
so many

i think it comes down to a smile over nothing
and nothing over

one
good
day

just one

and memory that lives to thank
what it means

open arms that grip the world
that choke the prison
if the best will hold you captive
remember NOW can hold your promise

forever

the strength of honest existence
burning

beside the bush that did it first
and the angel that spoke at last

what the hell am i trying to say?
there IS a perfect passion
and i can’t flutter anymore good-byes

all i see are four walls
all i know are four walls, infinity, and a chair

but the chair
goddamnit…..

the chair is mine

Balanced on the Dark Side of Worth

How down
Is the red binding of a book
The sunny side of a brick wall
The laughter paused
Before it ever became
Forced

The insides like points
Like cactus
Like swords and pitchforks
Ambling toward a sunset
While the push cries
Tears blending with the reds
And the oranges
Pursuant to pink
…on the gift of yet one more horizon

If you say it enough
That makes it so

• Some love to believe knowing is power *Unknown*
  • Some contradict the best of being
  • as something engineered by compunction

I thought differently
Some purpose always does

Would rather have a half assed nothing
Than a full-assed everything

Remember the real joy
Before you decided to make yourself joyful?
Remember the lack of practice
The real song that glitzed the tweak along your smile

How down is the red binding of a book?
I want to say BURN!
Burn those pages again….

Remember before
remember more

Pull another hat out of your hat
*But don’t forget the mustard*

It became something to do

• you drawl with shark teeth gladly bitten

always something to do

life held us down
but at least we appreciate the pressure

glaves of adequate thatching
rounding the next bend

it’s not over yet
who said it’s over
a shell is just that

• never more lonely than when it’s cracked

the best of what we hope for
sharper stings

and the crazy should run

you know what’s kind of funny

reminded tonight on the joys of a mental ward

what’s funny

is that it is THOSE WITH THE BIGGEST CONTROL ISSUES

that they put in charge

in those homes of loose springs

those hotels of hedonist bubble brain stew

they put in charge the very people on this planet

with HUGE control issues

an ACHING need to be obeyed

a withering role

that needs feeding

feed it!

feed it!

show those they have the power

because 5 strong dead men stand waiting

to push and pull

and these are the people that compile their imperfection into a holy grail
of insipitude

these are the people
these ones who are more like the spoiled brat of yesterday
obey me!
obey me!
or i will hold my breath

i need it
i need it

yes, these are the ones…..

each more sicker than those they call sick
each one a message
on what you would never choose to be

it’s funny to watch
never grown up
they rebel against the tree
that stormed against their little wee desires
angry
still so angry
to have to do the worst
that they’ve been told

so she would point down the hallway
and tell me to go to bed

knowing i had to obey
it’s so funny
people that don’t know how to ask
even from their god
even from their gripping nightmares

peeing their pants
because mommy never came home

these poor things are darn near hopeless
and really should be shot
but i guess working a funny farm
is the next best place

the world is upside down
even the joke

right side to

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE

just because
someone SAYS
the sky is blue
does not MAKE the sky blue

in other words….reality has it’s own principals OUTSIDE of man’s ability for perception. so, us determining laws of physics, for example….is like one hair on your body deciding it is going to lay down the rules of where you go and what you do, all because it’s not happy with the shampoo you’ve been using.

and that hair can’t DO that…..it can’t tell you where you go, but it does not understand. so it makes up a delusion that EVERYTHING you do is something the hair asked you to do in the first place….it fools itself into a position of power, because it CANNOT accept or quantify the obvious.

ridiculous as that scenario would be, that is how i see man’s grasp of “reality” via science.

and my entire point is that people do NOT seem to realize, that EVERY “truth” they are fed is MADE UP. lol….all there is to it. every understanding is born from consensus.

and when we have SO many powerful elements within our society, DETERMINING what people will perceive as a reality…..

why do you think they spend SO much money on making movies? do think it’s for their health? do you think it’s because movie making is such a gold mine? (it’s not, on average…..never has been) but the ONE thing a film can bring across, is mass tinkering or calibration of public perspective.

for instance…..pirates of the caribbean turn the bad guy into the good guy. it turns the one who is AGAINST establishment and central rule…into the hero. and so people’s perception changes…..they might even start seeing themselves as some sort of “bad guy” for having laws and a prescripted order within their country. and the storyline even gives a REASON….because industry has become the true ruler, and needs to be taken out.

and thing is…..as adults, we have a less mailable vision…..but children will use such things to shape how they view their world.

just as my own, was shaped on a daily basis ……however, much of what i used was from books. so i never fit in….i never became “part of the crowd” because i didn’t SEE the way they did. and i like to think, that my perception was EXPANDED….rather than just different.

regardless…..what it’s about is one knowing they have a RIGHT to determine their own reality. lol….it’s so simple….and yet….we take that right away from everybody, the minute we declare something real because “everybody” believes it.

if i were to get into a conversation on how i consider the earth to be on the INSIDE of a globe….they would look at me like i’m nuts…..because they have been conditioned to believe what they are told….even though not a one you’re talking to, has actually EVER been up into space. EVEN though, a good percentage of them, don’t even comprehend the cycles of the moon and why it even gives off light. most don’t even have the ability to process that a light like the moon….is NOT a light…..it’s a mirror. they DO NOT hear with their own ears…..the concepts and realities that you can then sit there and watch them defend…and they will defend them!!!!….are ones not even developed by themselves, or even fully studied enough to see the foundation of what they believe and argue as “real.”

so…..the consensus is to believe what you’re told. and to abandon the principals of perception. and THAT is why the attitude goes into the “defensive” by those you may be trying to speak to about a new thought. it goes into the defensive….because they actually believe that you are working to imprint or change their reality or truth. they believe you are sharing a thought, for the purpose of transmitting an ABSOLUTE. because that is how they process, when having been trained not to think on their own.

and problem is ….. you work to get them to consider thinking as a possibility….and you end up like Jesus. people take what should be spring boards for thought….and make them rules, to be passed down and administered to each other as “absolutes.” when the point, is to think and realize the realities as they compare or contrast to your own observations. the point is to digest it…..not to memorize some other persons thought, and then regurgitate it all over town. because you might be able to regurgitate the “final deduction”….but if you DO NOT digest the framework and reasoning BEHIND the conclusion of discovery…..you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. and you have no foundation from which to “defend” your “truth.” so you get these people defending realities that they don’t even understand…..and you give up talking to them…..and then they think they “won” and are “right”…..but the truth is, what they are, is useless.

because the reason we are sharing thought….is to see if our perceptions can line up with another. it is NOT to change that person’s perception to line up with yours.

a curve is a curve is a curve. whether it were the curve on the INSIDE of a ball, or the curve on the OUTSIDE of a ball….the measurement and angles are equal.

they simply mirror each other….in an exact ….probably the most exact …..reversal. and ANYTHING in life….or reality….that is a PERFECT 180 degree about……is undefinable. in other words, you are perceiving one thing…..and it might very well be EXACTLY the opposite….and you would NOT KNOW IT.

because it is “looking in the mirror”……it is the FACT…..that…..

if you spent your
entire
life

surrounded

by mirrors

you would learn to move

perfectly drummed

to reverse coincidence

and when

you went to

cut your own hair

the scissors move one direction
while you THINK
that direction is the one you move

and that is based on my own observations….when looking in a mirror to cut my own hair, i will THINK that i need to move the scissors in a certain direction. but when basing my perception of that UPON THE MIRROR….i actually wind up moving the scissors in the opposite direction.

but the LONGER you stare at the mirror……the more CONDITIONED you will create your perspective. until eventually, if you spent an entire life perceiving your movement via mirror….it would eventually align to become no different, than actual perception, and every action would be aligned and same as those not perceiving via mirror.

and that is why the property of maintaining a 180 about within perception, is undefined. take that….and the fact that our own visual medium is an ORB……we do NOT see with a FLAT mirror. we see with an orb…..the inside of an orb….that reflects and translates. and it is JUST as probable that the surface of the earth, is in fact, on the INSIDE surface of a globe.

and then of course you get into the study of lenses….and all that stuff. why, when i take a picture of myself that is too close up, it’s all distorted. or rather….it LOOKS that way, but well might be closer to the reality, or the 180 of reality.

we MATCH our tactile experience to the vision. in other words….you could say, no…because i can feel my head, and i feel it is not distorted like that.

BUT…..when the tactile and visual have a relative dependence….when sound has a relative dependence. everything…..then they are going to work in CONSORT.

and that is why, one being might be able to function within the realm of a society….yet not in any way whatsoever, actually be perceiving the same as their counterparts.

and THAT is why i believe we have our difference of perceiving others as having “less” intelligence. does anybody question, why we even BELIEVE there to be such a thing???????

what if the TRUTH of our reality…..is that EVERY MIND IS EXACT AND EQUAL IN EVERY WAY.

the difference you perceive in someone in being “dumber” is only the difference within your perception. for the reason that that other person’s perception is not exactly aligning with your own. and that appears definable, and “difference” because it is NOT a 180 about difference. and then those, with a 180 about difference….are perceived as being “like.”

what i am saying…..is i am NOT smart. i have LESSER intelligence, to the point that i am disabled. but that is because of my perception….EVERY MIND IS EQUAL. but what i am doing….is bringing my “dumbness” into close to a 180 perception of “those” who you would consider as being intelligent. (and you could also work it three dimensionally….but that takes a little more determination than simply plotting a longitude and a latitude.)

but that is the intent of everything i write…..to be showing you…..every mind is equal. there is NO such thing as people being smarter or dumber. that relative perception is simply differences in individual calibration of the 5 senses.

and we sub-calibrate to that which we are near. and THAT is why intelligence appears to be genetic….

and THAT is one reason why science ….. and even genetic science now…..are being idiots. they are INSIDE the bubble, defining it’s innards, while thinking they are on the outside, defining the world.

and my point is that a society such as the native american before europe invaded….they were probably in a better stand or direction of development…..than the european/asian/african/ continents, and ourselves today.

hard to be sure, because i am on the INSIDE of the bubble. and is possible that they are simply close to a 180 about.

but what it appears to be, is that our society has done this sort of…..dependence on knowledge of others. in other words…..if we plucked any person from our society, and set them down, by themselves, onto a perfectly habitable planet….the odds for them to be able to just survive, are not great. they are LESS than they would have been, for those in our past history and those of other cultures.

and psychologically, we have become dependent upon THINGS that we can’t even create!!!!!!! hello…..can you build a TV? do you even really KNOW how it works? or is your idea of how television works, something akin to a scene out of willie wonka?

so, while our ENVIRONMENT appears to have an extended degree of progression……actual people….psychologically, physically, mentally….are regressing. why do we teach scouts how to create fire from nature? because we’re scared, and know this is not the right path, and are consciously passing down a tool of survival because we FEAR its loss.

and that’s why many have fantasies about end of the world crap and all that stuff…..because they want to be tested. they want to see if they still have what it takes to survive in given situations….where currently, they are not given that awareness in everyday life. we survive, because of the collective. not because of the individual….because of WHO you are.

and from day one, until day eternity….we live in a reality of survival of the fittest. and there is a very real principal of natural selection, that our society has subverted for centuries now. in fact, it has come down to creating its own separate principals of survival. for instance, a person that has studied, who is inclined to learn or study more of math…..has a greater chance for survival in our society. a person who has worked on that skill, will find a greater perception when involved with monetary matters, perhaps. or be more inclined to balance their check book. and one difference like that, can make the difference in our society, between survival or not. it can make the difference, between whether a person chooses to procreate, or is able to. so we are already tailoring our “perception pool” (verses “genetic pool”).

and it’s normal for a person to want to know…..am i strong? should i logically, and my lineage be dead? or should we be the only ones here? so we have these fantasies that are very appealing. we will GEAR our perception, to involve a wish or even a self-fulfilling prophecy, for a type of doom upon a society that has EFFECTIVELY changed the DIRECTIONS of natural selection to include that which shouldn’t even be here.

so it comes down to degrees of perception….but we can recognize certain things perceived by all. and those are the things that point to the truth. NOT made up versions of reality put forth by the very body or institution that is creating the continued regression of mankind.

so what i’m saying is that intelligence….or perceived intelligence….is dependent upon….not CORRECT perception….but upon its alignment, or degree of alignment…….with MASS perception.

and when i can move that into a degree field that is not commonly seen…..then that is perceived as “intelligence.” but intelligence is NOT something we don’t already have…..it is EQUAL in all. if YOU understood what i am saying within this write…..your intelligence is EQUAL. if you DID NOT understand it….you need to go back to school, and practice your READING COMPREHENSION. but your intelligence is EQUAL.

then we have SKILL. and that is a matter of paying attention. and i have worked at the skill of taking my “thought” and that which my base understandings perceive…..and taking those and TRANSLATING THEM into english, so that those understandings might be shared.

none of this….absolutely NONE….is “something i simply heard” and am regurgitating. i am writing my OWN individual thought. and that is what i like to believe everyone should be doing (“believe” means i well could be wrong). but they don’t…..they listen and repeat….listen and repeat. now there’s reason….you might try to repeat to someone else, what i have said here. and that could be your own way of testing to see if you understand enough to translate to another. but what you’ll find, when you try to repeat it…..is that is falls flat in manner of importance. why?

because it is not this thought to be regurgitated that is important…..it is your own thought, that might develop and then go FARTHER. and you are allowed to process and speak about your own thought. we get to do that. we get to have our OWN vision, our OWN ideas of reality.

being able to SHARE what we perceive, is a SKILL. being able to comprehend what other’s SHARE via language, is a SKILL.

see, i am SO dumb…..that i could slow down my thoughts enough to mesh the wheels with the language part of the brain…..that’s just a different theory of mine that i’m working on.

but it’s VERY likely, that those who are PERCEIVED as being intelligent because of language acuity…..are in fact, less in the realm of true thought, or rather, are able to transmit their perspective in a field that is less or more than 180 degrees. and then we could get into why so many writers and musicians like to participate in mind altering or mind-limiting substances……but will leave that for another time.

you see, things aren’t always what we are told they are…..and we screwed up, teaching people how to memorize, rather than showing them how to THINK. not WHAT to think….HOW to think.

yes….it might be insanity, pure and simple. but then why do you believe the insane are the happiest people. who fed you that?

you see….we have to question everything, because we are not being lead well. bottom line….and we are even fed the notion now, that it doesn’t matter if the world ends. lol….good christ.

even a baby, knows enough to be horrified at the thought of it all going “bye-bye.” but we are all being conditioned to not give a shit.

wake up
smell the thought
drink reality
and whistle the truth

just because
someone SAYS
the sky is blue
does not MAKE the sky blue

and this world is what we believe
and what we believe
is either our own

or it’s not

TO BOOB OR NOT TO BOOB ~ a look at the industry of breast cancer awareness

do you people have any idea how weird you are? making the human mammary glands into some sort of temple. i never understood that, and i never will. why would anybody chop into their body, insert a foreign substance….just so they can pretend to be “hot” and believe that somehow makes them…..what? what does it make you….other than stupid.

and if you all are so damn concerned about “breast cancer” that you christen a MONTH for it…..why don’t you just lop the fucking things off, and be done with it. it makes no sense….when there are ten million other things currently plaguing human existence.

oh, but you have breast cancer, and we should all feel sorry for you? yea, right, feel sorry for you having THE most easily tended cancer illness there is. bunch of friggin wimps.

and not only that…..you play right into the hands of big industry….without even being informed enough to know it.

the salt lake news just spoke on laura bush being here in salt lake for some reason, and they show her doing a speech on breast cancer awareness.

and it’s a tad convenient that several years ago, just prior to all the publicity and “campaign to save boobs”……the very genetic trait or gene that is known or thought to INSTIGATE breast cancer…..was basically BOUGHT by being PATENTED.

so those doing breast cancer research….cannot even do it, without paying millions of dollars to this company that owns the patent of the gene they need.

so who do you think is behind that gigantic push to fund and get the public “donating” for breast cancer research? and it’s NOT conspiracy theory….it’s all there. on the movie “the future of food” where it speaks on how the U.S. made a very…um….delicate legislative decision to allow genes to be patented.

but most of the public doesn’t know this…..and gets all warm and fuzzy when they see a pink ribbon. they don’t realize, that they are just part of an ad campaign to make a rich company richer. i mean it’s kind of funny….lol…..and you gotta give it to the owner of the breast cancer gene for working things so well in their favor.

i don’t know what technicality they wove into it, to patent that gene needed for research….but is not a whole human gene….just a part of it, and might have something to do with the extraction process. but bottom line, is the breast cancer research institutions can’t do the studies they need to do without paying this company royalties….they have them over a barrel. and it’s some enormous amount….they are charging what they can get for it. so if they work to “increase awareness”…it just makes them look “humanitarian” while a good deal of the “money for research” is going right into their own pockets.

have been wondering why there has been such a hoopla over it…..why not leukemia? or colon cancer….or ten thousand other things. didn’t make sense…..

i guess they need to find genes to patent for those illnesses, so they can get ribbons too…..

oh, and the last thing they want to do is find a cure for anything, because that would stop their money-making machine.

that’s just the way it is…..that’s how you do business, and that’s how they work the public to get what they want. call it “breast cancer awareness month” and next thing you know, their profits triple for that quarter. and they are getting the jump on the retail industries that pump up for the holidays, so strategically it’s a good month to choose.

it just makes me sick…..i don’t know that i’m being too cynical…..stuff like this even gives me a laugh half the time. because people make it so easy……and i haven’t seen ANYBODY questioning, why there isn’t an “autism awareness month” or an “Alzheimer awareness month” or a “lung cancer awareness month” (they might have that one because anti-smokers have their own fascist agenda) or a “butt-hole cancer awareness” month…..shit, i’m offended because they should have a “life as a mental misfit” awareness month.

and like NOBODY sees how strange it is, that they singled out breast cancer to champion. and they will say they are “close to a cure” and they’re not….cancer is cancer, no matter where it shows up in the body. they might improve diagnostics, to give a person a better shot at not kicking the bucket. and since boobs aren’t necessary….like with other cancers it can mean a loss of vital organs…..but then again, you could “cure” ALL breast cancer by simply doing elective surgery at puberty, and have everybody simply remove them, like some doctors have done with tonsils. and that’s just logic, but nobody sees that either (because you are all too busy worshiping at the temple of boob), and then ALL that money to manufacture and market pink ribbons and pink everything, could go for something real that would actually do some good for mankind.

am not saying we should seriously consider that, that we should all be running around boob-less…..but it’s as logical as them saying they are “close to a cure” when it’s not curing….it’s diagnostics.

if they “cure” breast cancer…..that means they have to CURE CANCER, period. so why isn’t it just cancer rallies….why isn’t it just a “cancer ribbon” not a “breast cancer ribbon?” and people just don’t ask the questions…..they’re staring you right in the face…..and they don’t see how strange it is. or maybe they don’t care enough about anything…..hell, i don’t know.

and yep….all our legislators are in bed with companies needing this and that legislation…..so they can LEGALLY defraud the public…..lol. fucking sucks…..

and if i hear ONE sob story on how breast cancer is SO horrid and you poor thing had to go through such a rough time…..i’ll barf. tell that to my uncle….while you’re subverting funds from REAL cancer research. tell that to him…..they couldn’t FIND his cancer, so he’s dead and gone.

got this from the tech gallery at microsoft, so not sure who to credit, as it’s under a user name. wish i had thought of it…..and wanted to share.  sort of takes on less meaning under the “boob” light….but touched me as being right on.

and it might be the last i see of windows vista

i have sent out three letters today, to gateway, sony-optiarc, and microsoft. so far the one to respond first is sony-optiarc, saying that i need to talk to gateway.

now how much you want to bet…..that all three will play the game of passing the buck? i would put money on it….that they all will, rather than having any solution.

my notebook computer is only 2 years old….the dvd drive should not be failing. and it DOES still play CD’s. so pretty sure it has to be a software problem, where windows is not “seeing” any DVD that i put in the drive, even data DVD’s.

so i’m thinking about switching it to windows 7 OS, but to do a clean install, i would have to also buy an external DVD player to have one that works. so am looking at $200 worth of shit to hopefully fix my machine, with no guarantee that it will.

and i just find it all kinds of messed up…..and why i really really really have come to HATE windows vista. because you run into any trouble on XP…..do a restore. if that doesn’t do it, run the full system recovery and bingo you have a working machine again.

but with this laptop and vista….i was doing restores on it the very first week, to get it back in working order. and since then have had to do restores every few months when problems arose. but the vista machine doesn’t store far enough back restore points. and i don’t know why, but on vista you can only go back about a week. whereas with xp…if i wanted to set it back to it’s condition 3 months ago, i could.

so i feel like i was ripped off. i feel like just because i needed a laptop computer at the wrong time, i got my ass kicked with a machine that barely qualifies as functionable.

and there’s absolutely NO POINT in paying to have it professionally serviced or fixed, because by the time that price adds up, i might as well be buying a brand new netbook with windows 7 for the same or less money.

so what do i do? it majorly ticks me off, because i have been extra careful with this laptop, it being my first. i have taken great care to keep it in good condition, going so far as to always set it on a storage box above the surface of the desk, so no accidental spills would even be possible. i bought a special padded carrying case for it right off the bat.

and the money i spent on it, was something i earned while caring for my elderly cousins. so it’s sort of like my gift to me for doing that, and i have treasured it since i purchased the gateway notebook computer.

and now, because of some glitch between iTunes and vista and lord knows what else, there are keys on the keyboard that no longer work, and it won’t play DVD’s.

so i have to do something anyway……so the question is, do i spend $200 and pray that if fixes it, or do i say screw it, and save a bit to buy a netbook for my portable-computer needs.

god, i hate this world sometimes. i wish my biggest worry of the day was what type of bean to use in my soup…..

I do not love anymore

I do not love anymore
Worlds of glossy imagination
Driven by hope
For the most in subtle need
The purging gift
To fall within
Protection

Wavered
Running thin

I do not love anymore
Perhaps the anger holds
A better storm and might
A clip of bold delivery
Beyond one touch
That seams the night

I do not love anymore
Once a fool
I let the blindness
Take me out for play
The stuttered imbecility
That gave each best away

But I do not love anymore

It matters not who or what or where
There is no reason for me to believe
A match will come that meets my care

I wished for so long
But a fictional beast
This thing they call love
Is not love in the least

Just God’s reason to prove
Every strength conquers weak

I do not love anymore
I do not love

The most this heart can do is smile
To watch those lovers passing by
The holding hands
The smartly decorated dreams

Reflected in eyes that only see the
Mask
The heart’s desire squeezed into a hope they hold
That somehow dreams are real at last

But those same desires
What a wall that no truth could see around!
Never a reality to notice me
Not a poster child
Of love or even lovely
Never lonely enough to abandon timely curves

I wish someone had ever bothered to see
And cherish what is real
Not the drift that they want or choose
Or think love to be

So I do not love anymore
There is no mind that can perceive absolute

I have tried
God knows….it has gone beyond the best in trails of thought
And paths of searching to grovel open intent
Sometimes things just don’t exist
Sometimes you have to say

I do not love anymore
Because perhaps I never did

Perhaps the game is just too chosen and bold
To find a message crumpled and damp
she stares at me from mirrors broken by time and haste
shattered
when desire cries sometimes
but that isn’t me

because i do not love anymore

sometimes dreams
are simply that

sometimes worlds revolve
on other tomorrows

sometimes you’ve had enough
and enough is all you have

the plight of the smoker

these people want me to quit smoking….yet THEY’RE the sick weirdos, that go cutting an aorta out of a body, so they can squeeze the plaque out of it and video tape that.

what a bunch of sick fuckers

if that’s what non-smokers are like, i might think about smoking again.

at least smokers don’t CUT UP non-smokers, to show how shriveled up their brains are…..

what’s suffered cares the most

i woke up hating a million people
who have 10 zillion ways
of
THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND YOU

it’s the goals we all equate
that’s all it is
the
“eye on the prize”
“let’s make more money than god”
the whole stinking attitude that severs
them
these creatures

and they’re not just assholes
they’re assholes surrounded by Zits
with every one
thinking the puss they manage to squeeze
from their giant
aching corpuscular nightmares
is gold
surrounding their shit

and i don’t see any reasons

sit on the bus
and watch the cars tremble by

and i don’t see any reasons

look at the church
each cross borne to fly

and i don’t see any reasons

i walk to the dentist
make jokes with a rat
and smile this weak smile
that is never coming back

and i don’t see any reasons

for i had your vision, too
it was very long ago
and i held it as the only thing
on earth

but then i frightened my forgiveness
into shadows never showed
and each beauty that is suffered
from each birth

and the lightning strikes the sky
just as the answers
shoot the moon
and the door bells ring inside
for your guests will be here soon

and the party’s never started
’til the songs are under way
but not today
never today….in the absence of our dreams
in the hope that’s never shared
did you say just what you mean
for even angels learn to care

for i had your vision, too
it was very long ago
and i held it as a glaive against
the earth

but then i frightened my forgiveness
into shadows never showed
and each beauty that is suffered
from each birth

for i had your vision, too
it was very long ago
and i held it as the only thing
in sky

but then i started asking questions
from these shadows never showed
and i finally looked my God
into His eyes

and i don’t see any reasons
i don’t see any reasons

quiet are the thoughts
to whisper hearts into a grave

and i don’t see any reasons
i don’t see any reasons

but that silence was the one thing
that your noise could never save

i woke up hating a million people
who have 10 zillion ways

the light we shared was angry
for what’s suffered cares the most
THEY’RE NEVER GOING TO UNDERSTAND YOU