i hate being embarrassed
but it’s not just being embarrassed
it’s being wrong
but not just wrong
it’s being scorned
i hate failure
tell myself that mistakes don’t matter
but oh, they do
you are no longer loved
because that love–all love
is conditional
you have to fit molds
so i squirm inside
knowing that my freedom is more important
and i will be embarrassed
but i will never not find myself
everyone is flawed
so i love everyone
about equal
was not my idea
there is the me and the not me
i like to find the best way
i had lots of jobs
because i tried the next
and the next
sampling them all
it wasn’t discontent
it was completion
i get this fear way deep
down in my heart and belly
mostly a fear that flushes the face
a knowing of mistake
that i missed something
nobody knows how much i miss
how much my brain won’t process


police kill man in salt lake county

what it takes to go on
to move on
to inspire a hatred of despair
what makes a being proud
a life lived long and loud
a future-view
a soul that simply cares
about the next and next
in cost that’s due
for wide and long repair

i knew you not
but sadly hold a candle
for the one who’s shot
with bullet as the jury and the judge
the emblem of a failed reach
and failed touch

upon a time
there was a once
and so tomorrow sees …
how life of one is life of all
in ghosts the chains will haunt the halls
for man can only be

a token of the better word
in long decree
lost forms of humble nature
sworn and true

there is no better thought to offer
nothing new
the hope of better
when all further hopes are skewed
my own find simple binding worth
naught else that grew from songs
in star-lit sighs

then paramount to time the once upon
and fire of heart
remains true mind from soul that knows
in largely part
the greater part of man
is greatly free

to deny
and suffer long in consequence
despair –though spawn of hope
birthed by wisdom plays the fool
how bids it strength?
yet strength will face the next
and next
a deed not done
for all are built to cry

shall silence guard our souls?
how then do fools deserve to die?

the comfort of lower systems

yet it is still building a relevance upon a plane …. a linear state of view. better, though. a little closer. every observed pattern is merely a mimic of shape and form from a lower system. planets are seen as round balls, but are they? the linear path of the sun is based upon origin and destination. yet is there a destination? if you sit at a traffic stop and the other car inches forward, are you moving backward? so it is perception and visualization. which when it comes down to it, we can only perceive a system below us. so pictures are made as if we are above and looking at a lower system. but even in a spaceship, it might FEEL like you are above the lower system, but you are not. are still working with the same optics and eyes geared to work WITHIN that system, not without of it. we balance our bodies to walk in a strait line. so we also believe the sun “walks” through the universe in a straight line.

measurement is a tricky thing, because it creates relevancies that do not exist. or rather only exist within conceptualization and may or may not provide correlations that can only verify that the measurement itself is likely to be accurate and useful for predictive purposes. look at the imagery of a ball, with every part of the surface exactly the same. is that correct when applied to planets? but it is how a ball might appear on a surface that is within our optical abilities to view.

so we can only say it is like this — or like this …. in the end the perspective is that we are very small and the universe is very big. we are small and the earth is big. and so lends to a sense of freedom. expansion. but are we more like organisms in a petri dish growing out of control to soon only gobble up the resources and expire? so i wonder at the fascination in “perceiving” space. and in some ways any model is correct, because none of them are right. (a visualization of the solar system moving through space)

peek a boo my darling

convoluted comprehensions of money
you have it
then it’s gone
the word “spent”

but unless you take paper money
and burn it in your backyard
shred it
make hats out of it ….
money is not spent
it is

so most americans
are stuck playing peek a boo:
i don’t see it anymore
therefore it must be gone

that money just has a new master
the float and drift
of who gets the most
at the end of the day…

and everyone has decided you can buy happiness
because they were told you can’t buy happiness

money is merely a trade chip
reducing transactions to metered rates
can’t waste money
because even if given away
it is eventually traded for something…

saving is wasting money
where it sits and is not used
then that becomes a reduction
of value to the system

you hold a penny in your hand
from 1967
is that penny ‘worth’ a penny?
or is it worth every 1 cent item it ever bought….
functions of trade over time

if your friend buys a gift card
every minute of time that money
spends with the retailer while they
have both the goods, AND the money

one can calculate investment earnings
that occur while that money sits in a
plastic card
but it is not in the card … the money
is in the pocket of the retailer
and you have a debt chip … a chip
that says they owe you

so what is debt?
is the money they owe you
subtracting from their wealth or adding to it

and we have the factor of
debt$ X TIME

americans are happy children playing peek a boo
the money is right there!
in the gift card! no…. it is not
that is a promissory note
with how much regulation or management?
is the money taken in via gift cards
placed on company books as a plus or a minus?

so we culturally accept gift cards
there’s no turning that tide

is a symbol of control….
i want to give you trading chips
that you can only spend here or there
and this huge game starts of which
retail giant do we support ….

how many debt chips do we hold
and then flood them with cashing many in all at once
who do we hit the hardest
then make sure you bet AGAINST them
on the stock market….

it’s all very cute and only emphasizes
the grapple
the churning and fighting
the biggest piece of the pie …


in some weird way
America built this house of cards
and for the most part are better off?

lots of things
lots and lots of stuff
stuff and money to buy more stuff
and if you spend more money on better food
that makes you a better person?

i don’t think so
if you share food
if you give of time and effort
if life is not about how much you own
or how much you trade
but rather about how much kindness? no
a little too trite
a little too ‘just be good to your neighbor’
and all will work out…

no … simply see
and realize that it is peek a boo

the money was there but it’s gone!
no it was only transferred
where now computers keep track
of who has the greatest flow
the biggest pile ……….. of what?

something to trade with
to get more stuff? oh well …
children looking in the candy store

i want THAT!
that one and so you sell time
for trading chips

it is a harmless game
but a very, very rough way to live
decisions are based on money
on status
on desires that go well beyond
simply more stuff

so we play peek-a-boo
it’s gone!
but here it is back again
looks the same
same numbers … same good old money

and what is the delight within peek-a-boo?
you would have to ask a child
are they thinking of bucket lists
or someplace they would rather be?

no …….. they are waiting
for hands to come away from the face
because behind those hands

is a smile
what do we consider a reward?
what is the bottom line
of a life well SPENT?
or is life merely transferred

the empty cup
the empty home
the disguise of limits

on the grid
off the grid
the cry over the ‘homeless’
but maybe the cry is that they seem too at home
are those in jail homeless?
what does it mean to change the lives of others

what is power
what stays in motion remains in motion
systems and system development

money is the root of all evil
trade is the root of evil? these barter chips
what do they represent?
the goose that lays the golden eggs
the water into wine

the tables of the money-changers overturned
by an upstart philosopher
the plate passed after a sermon
the negotiation of removed transgression

from what? the rules made by power
to benefit power ….but then are rules
the part of power that is kindness?

and so we have where we land
with a disenchanted youth and understandings
realized, if not voiced

system controls wind tighter
more run through prison
more enter hospitals with
failing bodies and poor health
because power must first support itself

falling through the cracks
falling through the cracks on the grid
and we have parables coming out our ears
the next and latest greatest psychological shove
from Hollywood ….
there seems to be no end
and no out

he who dies with the most toys, wins

depression solved by delusion
and the ants go marching down, two…three…four

so what are you going to do today?
i’m going to find a bite of breakfast
see if i can’t get enough energy to wander over
to the store
i need a new air freshener and have been
experimenting with my own mixes
i keep a running tally of how many trading chips i own
in my head
do we really own them? are they borrowed?
i have absolutely no idea
things made and things bought
advertisement….so i had a cup of coffee
and am typing on the fairly new notebook
worth so many chips

i swung the better bargain so that
makes me feel pride
how does pride work?

dollar signs stamped on everything
laws of supply and demand
i will sit at the computer and see
what is going on in the world

this day for me, like any other
yet is it?

where is the road out
from increased depression from not being good enough
from not having bunches of chips to transfer for bunches
of goods and services
what is opportunity?
what is a failure?
is the homeless person a failure?
is the billionaire a failure?
is a starving child anywhere a failure?
is a starving adult anywhere a failure?
is the system a failure?
but the system never dies, it only transfers….
where is the light at the end of this tunnel?

well why do we ask? when light is all around us
and there is no tunnel in sight?

favorite saying: whatever works.

who can hate peek-a-boo?


oh well it’s just betrayal

folks will get it wrong
they’ll read bad aspects into it
depending what they believe about you

for those prepared to believe the worst
should we really edit around perspectives
of gossip?

i will never forget finding a doctor holding
one of my writings
could only believe some family member gave it to him
and he proceeded to ask me why i was suicidal
and of course i asked him what the heck was he talking about?
so did he interpret incorrectly?
or did i incorrectly gauge what someone would come away with
from my writing?
mostly i try to write so that others can see themselves
in the words or the feelings
so was that doctor suicidal? maybe.

of course at the time i was mostly upset
that my words could be twisted and skewed
so terribly
simply because family assumed they knew me
when the time they spent actually
TALKING to me was less than i spend
talking to the local grocery clerk

so are we obligated
to take assumptions about character
into consideration?

i was never a saint
ever since that doctor held my writing in his hand
only looking at it as a set of symptoms or some kind of
summation with the rest and bulk of my work ignored …

well……….. i’m no saint
i simply then let singularities mess with heads
that don’t know any better than to look for the
worst in ME

because you get tired
you are not stupid and know
that CONCERN about another involves
talking to them, getting to actually know them

so i walk away?
maybe i get frustrated
within the first part of every family relationship
having to be about first reversing
and pulverizing every solidified assumption

and i could write about beauty
how the raindrops glisten on the ripe strawberry
and how the sunset gives me a sigh every night
as i watch the geese fly south once again …

then hope that somehow words turn me into something
in others eyes …. in family eyes

yet instead i remain in the abstract
the settings which involve very few names
images of this thing and that thing

i’m not sure why
except that i remember that writing, MY writing
in that filthy, grubby hand
and how names shift and flow into
wild conceptions ……… and i don’t
know how to treat with that

except to run every possible interpretation
across “make sure it doesn’t seem crazy” filter

and you know it gets just a little bit much
at what point
does the responsibility to maybe NOT see me
as some sort of idiot
that doesn’t know the control of emotions
at what point
is the responsibility on the person
who would rather see the worst
in those they intend to keep down?

at what point do i get to say


want to know the reality?
the reality is i went for drives
through the fields of Oxnard screaming
my frustrations in a sealed car so no one
could hear ….
the reality is that i also went on drives
singing at the top of my lungs
and smiling at absolutely nothing
the reality is that it is not the car
that gave me my freedom

i have never done a single thing in my life
in a thoughtless manner

i was grown up at 7
what time were you handed your parent’s death certificate?
not to say i don’t understand
because i DO play the fool

the fool is a safe place to be
where expectations run low
and there is little risks of thoughts
going too far or too fast

that doesn’t make me deception itself
that makes me cautious because i would
rather understand slowly

fear is the larger part
of any mental imbalance
(i fear creating change that cannot be undone)
everyone needs a place
if you can’t be secure in a place
have to be secure in who you are

in the person inside
that some
some very few and precious people
will take the time to get to know

take the time to understand and see
that beauty is not a person who sees
beauty or demonstrates they are not bitter

but beauty is function
that which creates design
which settles on uplifting consequence
people are machines
and only as good as their maker

… so you decide what is true and what is not true
am i different?
but I’ve had a heck of a lot to deal with…
just because you know that
does not mean that you know me

Reflected  (c) 2012 eebrinker all rights reserved

Reflected (c) 2012 eebrinker all rights reserved