we’re off to see …. the jailer?

Sally called her car mechanic
who wasn’t doing such a good job
and said she will be taking the car to
a different mechanic
and the mechanic said she had to
set up and pay for a meeting with him,
and that she would not be able
to take her car to a different mechanic
until he said it was ok for her to do that …

now how insane would that be?
yet with this medical outfit, who is hired by ME
and there is NO injunction or court-ordered care
or anything like that ……..
yet for some reason they have decided i am ‘captured’
and that the doctor needs to ‘release’ me
before i can hire a different doctor

now IF you are in a hospital
a doctor must “sign a release”
but how in heavens name are they justifying
this fascist system on an outpatient basis?

makes me want to tell ‘em all to take a flying leap
is SO reminding of the cable company — the only
game in town and so you get this weird
type of abuse of authority ….
(ps has nothing to do with insurance or insurance requirements,
my coverage is part of federal system)

North Valley Mental Health
Dr. Ahmed …. she is like the poster-child
for poor mental health
is almost TOO ironic for me to take
it is depressing just to see her, has this
worn-out air to her and never smiles
never in a normal mood
is also always distracted like she herself
took too many ambien ….

North Valley sent out letters that you are not
to talk to your doctor about anything going on
in your life, are only allowed to talk to them
about medications.
so ok, i do that and this doctor can’t even get
THAT right, sends the prescription to the wrong
pharmacy ….. and like how do you deal with
THIS degree of incompetence — so she comes back
from vacation and says is only taking morning
appointments …. which i NEVER make morning

but now they want my insurance to pay for yet
another appointment with this doctor, so i can
ask her in PERSON, because i guess she doesn’t know
how to use a PHONE — to “release” me to at least get
a different doctor …and i’m
like when in hecks sake was i “captured?”
she was hired by ME, i should be allowed to fire
her and see someone else. but they don’t work it
that way ….. all has to be where the LOWLY mental
health client is under their thumb. if this is how
they treat a voluntary patient, what is happening to
those who are forced into this system?

i brought my car to the mechanic
and he is saying he must charge me for
an appointment so that he can LET me see
a different mechanic ….

so what is abuse of power?

it has me going OMG this system is COMPLETELY corrupt
like i knew it was kind of corrupt, if you read on the
contracts between North Valley and the city/state …
all kinds of weird back-scratching going on there.

but holy moly …… and find myself asking myself,
what if she says no?
what IF she says screw you you have to keep
seeing me because i’m so great and you are nothing
but a sad mental patient?

what if! what if Sally’s mechanic said NO– you don’t get to
hire a different mechanic, me and ALL the other mechanics
have a deal and they now won’t work on your car
unless i say they can …… that is a sure-fire system
to support and promote incompetence.

i mean we KNOW this! everybody knows this…

leaves me going what in heavens name is going ON???
am sad for these people
for whatever hole they are stuck-in
and is not just the doctors that are overly-morose
the nurses, too … no sense of humor
and like talking to officers of the Third Reich
who should i salute?

is completely absurd — and they are BAD
you go there
in a fine mood and then exit the building
2 hours later for a half-hour appointment
frowning like everybody else and carrying
all that weight of a hatred….
a simple hatred of LIFE
that they freely dispense on people trying NOT
to see life that way
who are in mental states that need to be HELPED,
not hurt
… this is a dance beyond irony

who are we supposed to thank for the mess?
does he hide behind a green curtain
in the emerald city built by drug companies
surrounded by miles and miles of poppy fields …

poppy fields that the snow never silences

i’ve had quite enough …. RELEASE ME! by all
means release me and let my captor be someone
else on your prison-ship……
out of the frying pan into the fire

can only leave when you decide it can’t get any worse
hotel California has seen NOTHING on hotel Utah
and i am afraid …. no i am sure
will just be more of the same
because it is a system of incompetence

it is a place that ENSURES its clientele
through an established system that guarantees
incompetence within its doctors and staff

and i am only human
….with a long dreary walk through one of the worst areas of town
to a building tall and grey past the car dealerships
and tattoo parlors
where i walk quickly and pray am not mugged


wage-er of lost causes

night was difficult
because neighbor’s night upstairs
was difficult
cause and effect
being woken with loud bangs
to sit straight upright

the end of the world!
is the end of the world come?

only to realize is
the man above
proof against my curses
so how to sleep?

meet morning with guttered eyes
and shame?
a little for can never adapt
the crazy me
shall we stand up for rights
does dogma belong in the corner
of tired minds everywhere

reasons evenly parsed
and where is our almighty dumpster?
t’is day!
day is here
see! the birds say-so
count us down
because purpose will breathe
i’ve known worse

you bet
(2 cents and a lollipop)



ATI graphics and Windows 8.1

Spent yesterday fixing the graphics on my desktop computer. Have an MSI Radeon HD 6450 board, and kind of my own fault but some of the Windows programming did not help any. Few days ago was playing with the Overdrive function in the ATI Catalyst Control Center.

How was I supposed to know that should have left the Mhz speed alone? I had turned down the fan since so noisy. And had turned up the Memory on the settings, because whenever the system crashes it shows to have a memory-error problem.

But after changing the general speed for the graphics chip, whole thing went wonko. Should have taken a picture of the screen. Had two taskbars, one crossing through the middle, then it went into showing four versions of the desktop on one screen like a checkerboard. And worst thing was that everything was completely frozen without even control-alt-delete working to bring up taskmanager.

So the first thing I’m telling myself is to not panic. Which only had a marginal effect. Would have tried booting the system into safemode, but have absolutely no idea how to get into safemode with Windows 8.1. I never really made much use of safemode anyway on any of the Windows systems.

Powered down the machine, took out the graphics board and reattached the cables to the integrated graphics board, started up and install software for that. But of course, I want to be able to use the better graphics board, mainly because I needed it to use some of the 3D rendering in the Adobe Pro software. So after reassuring myself that the integrated graphics worked, I put the HD 6450 back in the machine and let Windows install the drivers. Which worked for awhile.

But in the end I gutted every bit of ATI software and even deleted some registry entries. Didn’t matter, every launch of the ATI Catalyst Control Center re-initiated those bad graphics settings and I was in the same mess. I must have uninstalled and reinstalled the CCC half a dozen times.

When left with just the system drivers and no CCC, Adobe did not recognize the GPU memory and shut down all 3D options. I felt trapped between Microsoft and Adobe poor planning and poor software builds. Like I was in the middle of some bad joke. And who could I blame? I was the one who got curious and changed the Overdrive settings into the FU range ….

What finally did, was took the install disk that came with the graphics card … and even though it was for Windows 7 I proceeded to install the software from it. First thing I installed off the disk was the MSI version of Overdrive — where it takes over those controls. And that worked, even though it showed the bad range I had set, MSI was not CARRYING OUT the bad range on the board and actual Mhz was much lower. So I used it to reset the numbers back into a low-range and saved the settings. Left the fan on automatic because at this point I’m throwing my hands up in the air ….

So looks like is going to fly …. no blue screen of death, even. Which is good thing.

I used to write more tech blogs — and realize a lot of readers are “poetry readers” and all. But might be surprised, most of the traffic on this site is for tech and am getting over 200 hits a week on one blog alone that I wrote last year. Poetry has a much smaller audience … plus I like to help people who are going through same thing. Or just looking for answers.

I don’t really expect poetry readers to plow through the tech blogs or any of that. The more specific a problem the better chance of helping someone and the less interesting for a normal reader.

Point of this blog is to say …….. MICROSOFT — WTH?????? If you would just clean out the setting registry entries when the program is deleted, then could reinstall a program like CCC with the settings back at default. But for some reason someone decided it’s more time-efficient to KEEP the settings and put those on every new install. I’m here to tell you it is NOT a good idea to do that and to say thank you very much for letting STUPID run the show. (that is sarcasm there in case you didn’t notice).

These are the kind of mistakes that are preventable … and proof that just because you CAN program something a certain way, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. And while it might look good on record, for some desk-jockey to show how Windows keeps everyone’s settings and isn’t that wonderful? It is NOT wonderful and now we having nothing but a big mess.

Also, while I’m at it …. how about an option to CLEAR every bit of settings for 8 that are saved to the “cloud” ??? Because run into the SAME problem, you do a completely fresh and clean install of Windows 8 — and guess what? Are STUCK with the same BAD settings. For example, something at some point set my tiles to display incorrectly. So when the screen is in High-Res mode, it shows LESS rows of start-tiles instead of more. I research this problem and apparently there is a setting that does not show up on MY version of Windows 8.

So get this — it is a setting that WAS available in the old Windows 8 or in other tablet versions. And THAT setting got saved to the cloud, and now I can NEVER NEVER change or be rid of it. And every Windows 8 I sign onto for the rest of my LIFE, will have these incorrect settings. Frustrating? Just a bit.

And I tried checking the option to NOT import cloud settings — it STILL did that — as well as installing old themes. Sort of like how the auto-correct never responds to its own settings or commands.

So how about an option to wipe the cloud clean? Is that such a hard thing? I guess so …

These are things you all should be on top of, Microsoft … settled and fixed YESTERDAY. You think in general it is better to have all those saved settings, and I’m saying it is foolish to cater to only the few who would be lost without that. Why don’t we cater to common sense, instead?


thought of command

you can’t take the longer road
without first
mapping the shorter path

as the pain from the tooth burrows deeper into my jaw
i try to pull away long enough to think
the times when you would not find me
without a glass of wine in my hand

but these days is like there is no energy left for bad habbits
even smoking seems like just another way
for the government to tax my inadequacy

the wine stopped working is all
no moral highground for me
half the world is worried about dying
the other half doesn’t know what dying IS

depends on where you are on the spiral
if going inward, death is more horror than you can imagine
if outward on the spiral
death is the fading into one
and endings are designed by the
thought of man
there is really no such thing as endings
only barest movement from one thing to the next

on the outward spiral
spirit still grows
mind is still free
in still of the night

from you into you
it is man who ties
so invalidate man

you into you …
we were not born to kiss the sky
there are other dances
remember the code



Mrs. Clinton for President? Yea, let’s talk about that

Ok I’m just going to say it since not seeing anything mentioning Mrs. Clinton on the Jon Stewart show this week. Of course I don’t read much posted by the extreme right, since frustrates living daylights out of me and I consider time better spent elsewhere. Frankly, didn’t want to see how they might tear this one apart.

Mrs. Clinton’s face appeared puffy, her voice and laugh were course and harsh – as if she were a 2 pack a day smoker. And at one point she kept bobbing her head and I could not stop thinking about how it was like watching a live bobble-head doll.

In other words, would appear that all the attention is not doing Mrs. Clinton any favors – and unless our Democrats have decided that the country needs to have Republicans in the Whitehouse next term, would suggest that she does not seek the Presidency.

If a woman were to run for office, I should think we need someone with a little more dignity. Which is harsh, I know. But there are many female politicians that carry themselves little better than that, though understand that one interview is not a make or break situation. However, does not look good and way too much fodder for opponents to mock … which the scales on that are already tipped and full with consideration of a female President in the first place.

That is the reality — I am personally not happy with the reality. If we had not lost steam with the women’s equality movement in the 70′s, might be a different story. An aging female political figure just cannot get away with trying to laugh like a schoolgirl. Is sort of like that Seinfeld episode, where George figures out that all he has to do is shake his head and frown in order to APPEAR to be working hard.

We are a small people that base 99% of considerations on appearance, not the realities of function. If this were a different world, we would have very different leaders. Leaders of the past were based less on appearance, but they were also chosen more for WHO they knew, not what they knew. So you can’t say we are any worse off, but the realities of appearance have to be part of the equation.

Mrs. Clinton did not carry herself well, and I almost felt embarrassed for her. Maybe I’m stuck in my own bubble and not seeing clearly. It’s possible, but even before this interview, had thought that it is not a fair thing to shove the Presidency on this poor woman. She’s done enough and worked very hard for our country, and should be rewarded, not punished with just more work.

I lean towards liberal standards but can freely touch bases with the “old-crone-thought” of our nation. And that is where we are going to get some really nasty fire if go to the effort of having a female President at this time. You should hear how they talk on President Obama, who has had an exemplary Presidency. It’s not pretty. And you can’t argue with these pillars of our society, ask their husbands. Is a losing battle before you even begin.


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