bird-and-cat

family, friends, and the ‘breed’ of human animal

often family are the best suited to tear us down … the ones who know your soft spots can hit you the hardest.

why some wish to bring harm rather than joy and hope — i will never understand.

just as i don’t understand jealousy, and those who hate others only because those others are more fortunate or more skilled.

just as i don’t understand families such as my mother’s side, who would rather fight among themselves and debilitate their strongest members — rather than work together to be a strength and betterment within their communities.

and yea, that’s why friends become the greater allies when you have families geared in this manner. why we, as a nation — have so MANY destructive families that we have to give ourselves PERMISSION to look outside of those families for support ……. well, something stinks in the state of Denmark. and it ain’t the fish!

perhaps the inner-scrapping is a mechanism to promote outward-spreading …. like the wind upon dandelion seeds; to more fervently look for larger groupings than any family could ever provide. or perhaps in some strange twist of survival, the competition WITHIN families is something that tests its members and hones their wariness.

and perhaps this is a natural event when and if those families are situated in communities of dissimilar genetic background. some sort of age-old instinct within the competition for resources — creates and fosters this trying and testing of family members.

hard to say for sure …. but i never saw the differences within human genetic-types. or perhaps i am so aware of how many differences there are even within those of the same “skin color” — that differences in skin color and race-origins never seemed that large a factor to-me. in otherwords, i see an italian being just as different as someone from nordic descent — as they are from someone of african descent. i see an east-coast native american tribe as genetically different from southwest natives, as they are from asians. so by classifying more, i type-cast less. i don’t see africans or even hispanics as “one” grouping ……. because within those frameworks are many many genetic and psychological classifications.

the ability to gauge personality-type based upon the set of features — just as you judge a dog according to its breed. watch how we “create” incorrect assumptions … like how our society told everyone to be afraid of pitbulls. and i never met a pitbull i didn’t like! big, slobbery friendly animals. at the same time — not once have i seen on the news or anywhere else — warnings regarding Chows. and every one of THOSE i have met are unbalanced and dangerous. their reactions inappropriate.

first realized that characterizations could be incorrect, when in gradeschool. we had a chain fence by the playground, and on the other side of that chain fence was a Doberman named Jingles. every cartoon, every movie and so forth — had the Doberman characterized as this type of guard dog that would rip your throat out. no questions asked.

but while Jingles was most certainly a trained Doberman — he was also extremely responsive to a kind voice. once familiar, you could just say hi and he would stop barking. that is not the mark of indiscriminate violence or a “killer dog.” german shepherds were characterized as loyal — but there are several types to that breed — many who are not loyal in any way whatsoever! lol …. generally speaking the thinner, rangy ones have more trouble with dedication. those with the wider hips and a greater depth to their skull, are the ones who have an uncanny and focused affinity for humans.

now when it comes to human families, and how we treat our own family members; that is not dictated so much by religion and society, as it is by culture and genetics. for some lines of humans, the very fact they are IN the race is because of a propensity to turn on their own. endorsing a natural selection based upon ACQUIRED traits of greater durance.

thing is, with policies of family support and building from within — there is ALWAYS a result of greater contribution to a community and greater steadfastness within those family obligations. whereas with those families that breed contention — they may perhaps create leaders for a community within a very random process of purveyance. but there is no guarantee, and the more likely outcome is a disruptive and unsettled grouping within the larger communities.

then again …. those with lesser family-ties, are more prone to create stronger bonds with non-family members of their community. ? so you can’t arbitrarily say that large amounts of competition within a family is a bad thing. it’s just an inappropriate thing, at different times. and when those times are changing as quickly as they are NOW, our families also need to change quickly within their fundamental structures, and how those family members are viewed and treated as member-beings.

life is about the sharing of resources, not the destruction of necessity. it is about how you get along …. not the myriad reasons for staying apart. it is the process of community, and how that community is a process of US. one nation under God. remember that. because when you have to fight to keep your place in the world …. it’s important to make sure that you are not just fighting to keep that place within yourselves: using outer-contest to bring inner-peace. that is a coward’s way. and has no place, and no being–no stand, no reason……. within the home of the brave.

that is me getting on my soapbox — but please take it to heart. we are not blacks and hispanics and whites — nor is the answer for THOSE discriminations, a matter of transference into TWO camps of becoming. the nature of political parties and the affinity to look for like differences in the designations for those groupings.

where is our dividing line? between the ‘haves’ and ‘have-nots.’ between the socially responsible, and the socially mobile. so it is NOT based upon the necessities of political action. it is based upon a caste system. and that is immature, and silly.

not to mention that the ONLY ones who will have true abilities to SEE those dividing-lines …. are those who have studied history, then. which in current U.S. society is a very dwindling few.

when it comes to political parties, i go with the democrats because within those groupings you have a policy for inclusion, not exclusion. it works the largest common denominator. (much as Deism is the largest common denominator of religion). if you are this and that, perhaps you are a democrat. but if you are NOT this and NOT that, then you can’t be a republican. you watch the shifting boundaries, the nonsensical points of “rally” to whatever cause …………. and it just makes a huge sigh well up within the depths of my notations.

i get tired of trying to keep track of the idiot of the day. how are we to reconcile ourselves as a nation? how about we do it one smile at a time, and go from there. how about a collective abandoning of the positional-good …….. and a collective embrace of humanitarian respect?

europe is going-there, and we want to do the opposite because demonization is the last retreat for cowards? please. if someone gets it right, if they are more fortunate or more skilled ………. you SUPPORT them in their efforts, and you LEARN from their ways. you don’t tear-down something to be as miserable as yourself. you look at them, and look at you — and figure out how to get from point A to B.

and you don’t put all your eggs in one basket, deciding that a “correct” community is a wealthy community. that dictates of monetary cohesion determine correct persuasion for social adhesion and continuity. because we have THOSE falling into different camps. and we need some brains to figure out the best course of action …. not jerk reactions to opposite conceptualizations.

we need to “see” that family is first. because the bigger family, is all of humankind.


**** thanks for the inspiration of this piece go out to Roger Allen Baut ****

angry-birds

for the birds

there are some things in life that don’t call for careful planning. it’s like this one level in angry birds — you plot each angle and each target, only to fall short every time. then you remember that’s not what it takes on this one …….. and you fire every shot, not caring where it lands.

boom boom boom. level passed …. three stars, yet even.

so sometimes that’s how it is in life; it’s not the careful planning that carries you through, it’s the boom boom boom. the “throw everything you have at it.”

i don’t know if video games are like life or life is like video games. but in this case of chicken and the egg, doesn’t matter what’s first. what’s last can be an omelette … with a job well cracked.

silence and sisterhood; the meaning of retreat

i haven”t spoken to my sister now for almost a year and a half. not since shortly after my son’s wedding, where she spoke to his friends and inlaws — making sure they knew what a mentally ill mother he had.

after i got home from the wedding, i very calmly spoke with her on the phone, asking that in the future she stay completely away from my children. anybody who is a parent knows; mess with ME, and i might let it slide. mess with my KIDS — and you just earned yourself a ticket to gones-ville.

so i requested she stay away from my children, and she totally lost it. yelling and screaming at me over the phone. completely flipped. and not once in all her yelling, did she ask me WHY. nope ….. and that’s because she knew. she knew what she did and she knew i was calling her hand.

what is interesting, in this time i have had without having to deal with her — my communication has blossomed. since i don’t have to dumb everything down in attempts to explain thoughts and feelings to my sister, it’s like that weight is gone. like since ever i can remember, i have had to keep a “dummy-translator” onboard in order to transmit more complex ideology in manners to which she would understand. NOT having to do that now, has freed my mind to process without that constant translation.

the other thing that i have noted recently — was my fear of confrontation. SHE is the reason all these years, that i’m scared to death of confrontation. why i will compromise my most treasured ideals, for the sake of avoiding confrontation. and that’s because i grew up with a sister who wigs out the minute you don’t agree with her. so i learned to keep my mouth shut.

this last year and a half, i have experienced conversations with family here in Utah — realizing that the world doesn’t end if you disagree with someone. that’s huge. you don’t know how huge that is. because it means also an end to passive-aggressive attitudes. it is very scary when you realize, in examining your own approach to others — that much is passive-aggressive. but that’s how you learn to operate, when the main person you deal-with wigs out on you.

i’m sure that i’m responsible for my attitudes in many ways. i could have been stronger and not so intent on simply maintaining the peace. regardless …. it’s like a new me. sort of late in life to “find” yourself ….. but there ya go. in processing the effects of this sibling, you know i wonder exactly how many lies she has told over the years — to family regarding myself. it would explain a lot. much in how i’ve been treated never matched any action on my part.

sincerely and seriously — not that i’ve held any sort of patent on good behavior. but all my life have really strived to do what’s right. to not hurt others, to establish a moral and ethical code that in many ways is MORE strict than any given by the church. i base right and wrong on the bigger picture …. and so often that bigger picture does not include your own interests.

something i feel strongly about ….. yet it’s like all were seeing me as something else. could it be that this sister i always cared for and cared about, spoke behind my back and spread untruths regarding me and mine? i’m thinking that’s what happened. 99.9% sure. which doesn’t make me so much angry, as deeply sad. makes the final pieces of the puzzle fit, though.

my husband kicked her out at one point, because of her manipulations. refused to allow her in our home …. and for him, that’s like the pot calling the kettle pitch black. the king of manipulators saying SHE was manipulating too much. so tiring to think on these things. i am trying to pull up some very dusty memories. this last month i was talking to my cousin’s wife, and she asked me “what was your sister doing, during all that time that you spent reading?” and you know, i couldn’t rightly answer. she couldn’t read in her head ever, had to speak anything outloud in order to read it. since that was embarrassing for her, she just didn’t read. i know she spent a good deal of time watching TV. but grandma always enforced limits on that.

she did puzzles, and …….? i don’t know. see, i would play on my own out in the yard making mud-pies. i played with my dolls and made up entire worlds with them. my sister is not IN those memories. where was she? what was she doing? because i spent A LOT of time reading. sitting in the backyard reading, at the beach reading …. at the library. she’s not there in any of those memories. where was she? what was she doing ….

so that’s a strange thing. we played on the swingset together. we road bikes. but what happened to her while i was burying my head in books? i don’t know. i know i got landed with most the housework — because even if she had a chore, would rush through everything to the point that i was left to make sure things actually got clean.

i know that in my mid-teens i took-over the guest bedroom and put locks on the doors to keep her from stealing my stuff. to this day, i wonder if she stole and still has the pearl ring with diamonds that grandmother gave me — just disappeared one day.

mostly i have given my sister more thought than she deserves, trying to reconcile things in my memory. trying to understand — like how or why she loved slasher movies … the purely snuff-film sort. it doesn’t compute for me — there are enough real-world atrocities that it seems absurd to hunt out constructed-ones for entertainment. if there is a necessary theme or plot point — then i will stand it. ONCE. i don’t rewatch the movie. i can’t. it sickens me.

so with somebody that actively enjoys that sort of film and entertainment — i don’t “get” where they are coming-from, at all. i mean, i sort of get madame lafarge …. in dicken’s tale of two cities. taking front row seats to the executions. she lived a hard life, and sat with her knitting because that is where bitter deposits mendacity. but i couldn’t hardly ascribe those traits to my sister —

i really try hard to figure things out. like i was thinking — have always considered that i got the shorter straw when it came to the death of our parents. like i was older — understood more and it hit me harder. but maybe not. am looking for reasons. how can two siblings be so completely different in so many areas? and in my bending over backwards to be complacent and agreeable — how did i generate that much hatred for myself, within-her? it’s like there’s something i’m missing …. the elephant in the room.

she has the screaming-matches with her husband. or did. would make me so uncomfortable, to have to sit there and listen to them tear into each other. yelling and screaming at her kids ….. for no reason at all! and grandmother didn’t do that — EVER! she was a teacher, for heaven’s sake. she KNEW the power of the lowered voice …. the impact of pure silence.

so now i’m trying to remember exactly how much my sister wigged-out and screamed when we were kids. how much of that simply effected ME in becoming a person who is quite thoroughly AFRAID to speak her mind. really and truly — and why this blog and all my writing are my lifeline out of that. i can TYPE my mind. and maybe that’s enough.

******************


i’ll tell you what i look-for: as i stepped out of my apartment the other day, the neighbor-kids were rough-housing a bit in the hallway. the blonde fellow, has a very hard-working mother …. immediately starts to apologize! because i’ve drilled them in the past. as in, looked into the eyes and made sure they UNDERSTOOD why it is wrong to be disruptive. honestly i’ve been too sick and down of late to put up any kind of fuss. my health seems to be going downward really fast. but it made me smile when he started to apologize without me even saying a word. and i told him it was ok, that they had been MUCH worse at other times! as i locked my door and proceeded to go out and down the block to the store. one of those kids is black, one is blonde/white, and the other is mexican-descent. best of friends and growing up as compliments to each other —

but anyway …. sis was always and ever the sort of person that makes you ask or tell her each time. there is no way she would be that kid apologizing for his actions before i even said anything about them. and i don’t know what is missing — have been thinking about finding some sources on neuro-science and researching any studies regarding imagination or lacks of imagination. if there are physiological/neural factors that determine the quantities of abstract projection, within the conceptualization of oneself within the background that is the human environment.

how we see ourselves, in relation to others. are those more “naturally” self-centered, more prone to have less-developed imaginations? it’s not that i see sis as so fundamentally different than myself that i need to dissect her and put her on a shelf in different jars. lol …. it is just that i want to understand my own contributions to her animosity. or perhaps determine that sometimes there is nothing you can do. it is against my code of ethics to “air dirty laundry.” but that is not what this blog is about. this blog is about the fact that i love my sister very much. and you can’t always fight and deflect someone hell-bent on sending you to hell. so i didn’t.

i bide my time …. i learn by example AND by trial and error. when you find yourself going full-circle time and time again, it’s time to drop it. when you’ve forgiven a person over and over ….. due to pity, or affinity, or whatever familial obligation merits. and the only thing gained from that, over and over —- is your own mastery of the process of forgiving! it becomes enough. so i’m breaking the dirty-laundry rule. this is a blog about how i love my sister and that she is forgiven. not because she deserves it —– but because i deserve to be free.

E.

Spirits Waiting

pledge of later strengths

if all were sweet
would it not seem the same?
if equals meet
do ties destroy the game?

from where i stand
the height is ages past
yet where i bow,
the future comes at last

to find a simple marker
simple tune
perchance might be a complex-way
to let another bloom

to find within our absence
present-best
the least among us calcified
to pass the greatest test

i love you much, forever
even though i find it sad …
that i cannot know what love is
but by good that anchors bad

and we all consider everything
an everything to know
when we know so very little …
that even souls refuse to grow

the time i take to look inside
and see a fellow man

is the time i take to run aground
in hopes to understand

where the island is the middle
and the sunset is the dawn
and then forever holds a last retreat
while never frees its song

we try and try again
and i will always, always be
the person of your kindness
the one thing life has been to me

there is no other balance
no need to know what’s cruel … to warm
within a smile
as every stubborn meets its mule

every man will find his enemy
every heart will find its thorn
but only spirits find the will to breathe
when life knows life is born

i can only hope to comprehend
why some don’t see my ways

and tomorrow when my head shall rise
my hopes shall greet the day

and i wish the best for you
no matter how our paths shall twine
precious is the heart
that i could never claim as mine

for as we see the times ahead
and know our harsh reward
it’s you that keeps me steady-bent
to steady every word

to time it right to see the ends
to bring the meaning round …
please look for me to hold your back
mine bears the marks of ground

Gravity30

a piece of my mind

what do i think?
i think that the human body is not designed to sit on toilets
that if we squatted like we are supposed-to, there would be
less people unable to walk in resthomes

less colon cancer
less sales of metamucil

i think that the human back is not designed to get in and out of a car
to twist
to contort while standing and sitting

that there would be less disc injury
less back troubles … if allowed to sit or
stand normally when entering or leaving a vehicle

i think that if kitchen counters were designed to
raise or lower according to the height of the lady
of the household — work would be more efficient

these latest generations are SO much taller — and all will
end with a permanent stoop

i think the human body is not designed to walk on cement
that joints and knees
deteriorate from the shock

that shoes can only partially make-up
for the duress of hard surfaces

i think that the human body was not designed
to eat large quantities 3 times a day

that we were to forage,
not gorge

that there would be less colon cancer
less need for doctors
and doctors
……………… and doctors.

it’s as if our world
were not even designed for us …

but AGAINST us.

that is what i think
i think man’s biggest enemy is not a devil
or a god

think we have our hands full
with the real
the tangible enemy

is the favorable genetic mutation working?
are your thighs becoming less prone to atrophy
your backs less susceptible to wrenching
your joints less vulnerable to shock….?

where is the humanity in those who designed our world?

AND — why can’t you tell that any fool could see
that it’s not hard to decide

those that designed it are against people
our people
our people
our people ……………..

what is the nature of an enemy
when man ACCEPTS his punishment from a “friend?”

i only ask
because you seem to be unaware
that your “civilization” is killing
your ability to THINK

why half the religions YEARN

pine for COMPLETE destruction …. a start again
a less toxic environment

that too

played
played
played

what is the meaning of necessity?

except that at a point
at a junction

no return becomes the only option
for retreat

then you ask why young people want to kill themselves
why the smart ones are dying
the stupid procreating MORE … and all within one or two
centuries

who are our captors?
why are we such a grand experiment? rather than having DESIGN
adapted to US

to the human body

all have worked to believe HUMANS should adapt to design

so that’s what i think

i think you’re all crazy

that you are complacent within your captivity

that the only thing earned by intelligence

in our culture
in our world ……….

is sorrow.

i think that it’s WAY past time for a reversal
and the only option left open
is revenge

i think that my big green alien is bigger than your big green alien

i think the piper gets paid
i think that at some point your war against self
will end in a war against the stupid
and the unthinkable

that we will have a lot of angry young men
not just 12
and they will have a right to be pissed

they will show you
each can adapt

and as they get older
they will realize they were wrong ….

that design has beaten them
worn them into infirmity

and they will coach their sons to do the same,

because man is ever stupid
and stupid again ……….. to pick the same road
over
and over
and over

just because it is known.

we are better than this
time

tide

we are better ……

THAT is what i think.

Passage Ways

hearths and harnesses

mostly i wish i didn’t hurt
mostly i wish there wasn’t pain like this –

would be so easy to be nice
in the absence of misery; but like her
continual trials
escalations of impact and fortitude,

they leave one at most
with expert abilities in condescending treatise

the nature of pushing onward
making the day yours
holding pain like the coals
that light your fires of understanding
and compromise

i would rather have it gone
and be nice
pleasant

a creature of beauty and divine grace

maybe some day
some part of the future me will have that gift
that ability to shed insult like water off a duck

until then watch out; more ferocious than any lion with a thorn
i hold all power to the ready
praying for release

moving despite — above,
beyond

do you have socks like mine?
they never come fully clean
fully white

i try not to be crazy
to scare myself with debility

strength is not a penchant for dismissing pain
it’s the triumph that allows one to forgive
every source and conscription

to understand any calling
to NOT be self-centered
self-serving
self-righteous

you wonder at our language
i read the Constitution today
and giggled at the word “manly”

courtesy of Saturday Night Live
it conjures images of Steve Martin
“we are manly men!”

i pray for my country
and i pray for ends to pain

but most of the time
i commiserate with God on what must be a lousy job
i think on matter and space
how air is actually a vast ocean
of waves and energy

how the world would like to see me have peace
if for no other reason but a collective sigh

it would be nice to not have pain
i could be pleasant

happy to be around
rather than a spirit so beaten by necessity

that she is lucky to breathe
plodding on alone because alone is easy
strength to care
strength to go beyond what the body offers
strength to see none will understand
they will never understand ….

i carry no humility

even so am driven to my knees more times than i can count;
because you find that bottom
and climb out of that well of self-pity
that muck that does nothing for nobody

you get your feet under-you
and you darn-well move

create space for the exercise of personal power –
and smile as sleep and dreams become the better world

Chilled Goose

Timeless Sight

the song is one– you bring it from your heart
such gifts from God, that only love imparts

the time you’ve had
to suffer and reflect
moves ever-onward
through each rise and set

of suns and moons
of stars that claim the stage
so do not envy
wisdom turns the page

to see the next horizon
what’s in store
is not the hope
that burns to each hope’s core

but brave
and honest
sworn to best and true

my dear
my dearest — always

that is you

Pillared Wax

tender flame

it is a complex situation;
i always thought the holder to be ugly
this paper-mache that screams the 70′s
in blue worth

set on the floor in the bathroom
with an orange candle
the sale item
from a thanksgiving closeout

her wedding candle
is almost as tall
as the ugly thing she made …

i keep them both
and only light in emergency
when there is no greater path

the day is dark
but they sit
quietly waiting — pillars to my past
a tribute to something i could not claim to-be

only silence anchors here; the depth too great
the heart too weighted with needs and grist

time taken for the reality given
don’t worry … i expect turns
and turns again

it’s any acceptance
that puzzles me beyond measure

dulled and tainted;
your hopes cannot trap something that was never free

all smiles

What makes teeth ROT? a good defense is a better offense.

Oh I decided to research dental caries. After all this time, thought it could be good to KNOW what was actually going-on with my teeth– teeth that apparently and collectively have decided to rot out of my head.

First off, it isn’t “sugar” that causes tooth decay. It’s ACID. Granted, the bacteria that FEEDS on sugar and other food, is the major source for extra acid within your mouth. But the MAJOR problem is too much acid breaking down the enamel. And that acid being present because of BACTERIA.

Which is why baking soda is a time-honored remedy that many use for brushing their teeth. Baking soda is a BASE, that can neutralize ACID. Mostly teeth go through a breaking down/building up in phases — where the acid can break it down, and calcium and fluoridation build it up. So when the process for tooth care, is based solely on fluoridation while leaving the acids in place … you are looking at teeth that are constantly trying to play catch-up. And in my case, they often lose.

(And yes, this means the low-salt diet I was on as a child is the likely catalyst of my tooth problem.)

Once the bacteria is established, it’s not going anywhere — no matter HOW much you brush. So the better course within an infected mouth (which mine has been since age 14) …. is to treat the acid/base in the mouth. And to fight the bacteria as best you can.

Now …… once the bacteria reaches the sinuses ……… you have the congestion at night, forcing the mouth open to breathe. THEN you have less saliva AND a Ph value going into the acid-range. So it becomes a carousal that once you get on, it is hard to get off. What makes it worse?

Psych medications that dry up your saliva. Radiation to the throat. I’ve had both. So what is my best treatment?

Using sinus medication also dries up saliva (saliva is the natural way in which the mouth creates less acid and more base). Hence why we had Dentine telling us it would fix our cavities. It’s the saliva-production, that could be the same as sucking on a sugarless piece of candy, for instance.

Have decided my treatment will be a baking-soda rinse (2 tsp. in 1/2 glass warm water) shortly after eating — within 2 hours. Continued use of Listerine for brushing, and a dilution of iodine and water for rinse before bed. No more sinus medication. Nothing that would dry-up saliva production inordinately.

Could probably try to up my calcium with cheeses and spinach. For the most part, it’s too late and like shutting the barn-door after the cows have escaped. I don’t think I have a single, whole tooth. Not one. They are all decayed to one extent or another.

But maybe my simple explanation will help somebody down the line. I wish somebody had explained it to me.

Consistent Plod

typical re-treats

i know you look at the ceiling sometimes,
counting the shadows
looking for some indication of a new
watching

if the day holds sunshine you smile
and think on days of the past; remembering
that slurpee at the 7-11
and how you fought to get those last drops
of sweet

of syrup
sometimes you go to call someone,
and then decide against it. unsure of yourself
your needs

and lately you wonder how much noise
a person can stand;
as the world increases in volume
time stands on end

the night becomes day when you can’t sleep;
when you grip a warm cup of something
and stare at the darkness

thinking of life
and your place on the grander scale

when finally tired enough to retire
you pray for good dreams
but usually the morning comes too soon …

and you make lists
of what needs to get-done

but mostly it’s a weight
that makes you question the very nature
of belonging … of necessity

of what your place-is
of how things would muddle-on without you
but then you think of your good traits,
how mom and dad weren’t the best
but they tried to give you what you needed ….

how your life is a reflection of their hopes
but more importantly

how your own hopes are a reflection of their lives
a day that costs nothing
to breathe …..

and remain
yourself

the last in a long line of redemption and promises
worlds that go everywhere and nowhere

but most importantly …….. continue-on

i know you look at the ceiling sometimes
counting the shadows
the sky wide even when trapped
and bent within our understanding

but do not forget
do not let the mind slip to redundancies
…….. for all is carried
and then set down

Meat Market

Stores and Promises

it is an interesting day
perhaps — analyzing and analytical;
how do we move beyond the dissection
of our own situation?

it is a frog
it is a fetal pig
it is a sheep’s eyeball
it is a butterfly pinned JUST SO
the best of colors
the lightest of dreams

i thought how his voice
belonged on a radio – not announcing
specials from the butcher’s grotto,
the pit that smells of blood
and its last good-byes …

melodic and thrusting
with a hint of snotty industry,
i listened as i priced the cost of tuna
the neon-green number screaming itself LOW
when it was yet too HIGH

i breathed in and thought how ‘crab’ was such a bad name
for such a delicious thing
briefly wondered how much radiation we have
now
how many toxins
what kind of dance already incurred
of chemicals the body will NEVER flush-out
never be rid-of
never be clean … the real miracle
to not feel worse than you already-do

medicine the other side of that triangle
to bleed the consumer
like the cow’s blood that filled my nostrils
meat and
more meat

we march to our slaughter
some few complaining
but most looking to the sky and calling for rain

i threw a can of pringles into my cart
went in search of sour cream
and heard that voice again – now saying he
only had 4 crabs left; hawking wares
hawking

we pretend there are such things as civilized markets
but mostly i think civil is a word meaning half-dead

reaction-time reduced
piles of slow and sluggish

thoughts feel bright and brighter in comparison
to our extremely tamed lives
do you know your worth?

i count on mine.

gone flying

Flies like the Night

she holds beauty to her
fast as a cloak of bitter feathers;

toned and conflicted
where admiration would have me captive
cages are only judged
on the backs of judgmental

there was a pensive tension to her mouth,
where you could see understanding fight
for space with memorization; did she want to
get it more?

or be able to repeat it better ….

the glasses reflected oncoming cars
as i plunged for the words, looking for
the patterns that could fit universality
in the wormwoods of stupid

my nose sort of itched
as i looked at the passing signs
signs for this
signs for that — lights and clamoring
the bell tolls for thee ……

i looked forward once again
noting every third word she spoke
because you didn’t need more than that;

i could manufacture the conversation
based on prototype; one more automated being
in our robotic world,

i stopped feeling sorry for them, you know

it wasn’t me
it was never me …. but i talked to God
and He said the company could be better.

beauty — feathers
the jealous ambition to tie it down
i didn’t need to touch the glass
to know it was smooth

the air
cold and dirty
on the other side of my expiration — tapping
the time as i wondered
how i was to inspire the need to not be right: so far

example did not seem the best way to proceed …